Love's Hangover Remedy

Even though your Valentine's Day roses are already wilting and your heart-shaped candy box has been in the trash since, oh, 9:30am last Wednesday (I don't judge), the love is still in the air....and it's only proper for a blogger to grab that air, breathe it in.....and then write about it.

Or do her best to show said love in black & white photos of only the hottest pieces of ass in town!....or, uh, in LA town, not this town, as I'm usually surrounded by 16-18 year olds who think they are hot but are actually small, small babies with even smaller maturities.

I am not usually one to gush over celebrities, because I have class, dignity, and am in a loving relationship with SSB.
Unless you count John Mayer. I've lost all class when it comes to dishing about this piece of meat. Too bad he's a huge bag of douche now....still hot, though.


WHO else is hot in my eyes? (but not as hot as SSB, in the off chance he is reading this!!) WELL, I will show you....in black & white photos. Everyone looks better in black & white and men look sexier in black & white, so let's get down to biznizz! 
WARNING: With this post, I have claimed stake to all of the following gentlemen. If, at any time, they become available for you to date, please inform them that you will be unable to accept their loving gesture because I, SS bitch, have already called dibs.....so send them my way, if you would be so kind ;)

1. James Dean (claiming him for the after-life, clearly) -- WHAT a stud. The start of all studs. He made it possible for men like James Franco, Johnny Depp and Justin Bobby (of The Hills fame) to look dirty and somehow still have ridiculous sex appeal. Applause are neccessary for this fine ass.

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt -- I meeeeean, does this need justification? No. It really doesn't. This man is near perfection, end of story. Sings, acts, dresses well, acts like a gentlemen, stars in romantic movies and blockbusters (like the upcoming Batman). So yes, he is our closest human being to perfection. Smell it, take him in, he's a breathe of perfect summer air (see what I did there?!)

3. Andrew Garfield -- Okay, I really do need to claim stake on this one, as he isn't huge yet but will be soon enough....once his Spiderman movie comes out. He has great taste in women, too, because his arm candy is none other than my girl crush, Emma Stone. Well played, hunky hunk, well played!

4. Paul Rudd -- Call me unconventional here, but he has some odd quirk that I really enjoy (that's what she said). His humor is dry, his hair is dark, and his smile is just that adorable smirk that makes you wonder if he's an asshole or if he just is laughing at the rest of us for being schmucks & suckers to his charm. Ado-able....I mean adorable!

 

Other notable men include: John Mayer (bears repeating!), Ryan Gosling (obvious), Robert Pattinson (vampire love), and the classic stylings of George Clooney (gold medal for silver fox status). Yummo in my tummo of man love!

Let it be known that I do not condone the behavior of treating people like meat. After all, Johnny Depp said it best in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory. "....even I am eat-able, but that is considered cannibalism and is frowned upon in most countries." BOOM!
Really, though, I mean this all in good fun. SSB is an asshole, but in the most loving way possible.
& sure, these men are fantastic, but I obviously do not want to come across like a woman who charges after men like a starved panther. That's just wrong.....and I'm much more like a calm barracuda, just ask SSB!
For more man candy, though, follow my boards on Pinterest -- woot, woot!

Until next time, share your man candy with me so we can all drool.....................

Another Reason to Hate February!

Hello dear readers and friends, how are we doing today? Are you in the full swing of hating life all because of those dreaded winter blues? Well, let's talk about the mean reds, shall we? (Breakfast at Tiffany's  reference, anyone?!) I meeeean, what happens in February about, oh, half way through the month? A day where we're supposed to profess our love to whomever with cards and homemade mailboxes? Oh....we aren't 10 anymore? Well then, shit, this holiday sucks!

I am not the anti-Valentine's Day gal because I've never had one. In fact, I always have....which isn't bragging in the slightest if you've met half the guys I dated (SSB not included, relax). I just never understood the holiday because I show lah-ving 24/7, so long as the rest of the world isn't being a bag of douche and forcing me to turn into the bitch I usually am.

However, we (being me and the BF, duh) still celebrate the holiday, and SSB and I will be doing so by eating a ton of red meat and guzzling down plenty of red wine (I'll take one for the team here), so we're totes in the spirit to celebrate the mean reds during this oh-so festive holiday! WHAT TO WEAR then? Let's discuss........

I am rocking a fitted black dress from H&M that does way too good of a job of giving me a curvy top half and a whittled waist (but nowhere near as disgusting as that gal with the 20" waist.....gag). I plan on wearing a cream cropped jacket with black trim that gives a bit of a Chanel feel but at an H&M price. Fun Fact: For any "big" date SSB and I have had, I have worn an H&M dress. How about them apples?! Anywho, find a dress that is sexy but still classy, because you want your man (or your flavor of the moment) to see you as a force to be reckoned with......and you just look sleazy and cheesy (and too downright easy) in a dress too short or in a too-bold print. Stick to neutrals, solids, and polished shoes. You're dressing for your date, not the rest of the world, and it is best to keep it demure and subtle if you're going to a nicer place.

If there was ever a time to invest in a fabulous apron, now would be the time! Wear a classic v-neck or cardigan,  throw on some dark skinnies, great flats, and find the cutest damn apron out there! Buy him one, too, to make the night that much more fun. Cooking together is a great way to commemorate the holiday; buy the heart-shaped cookie cutters, make food that is red or pink (spaghetti?!) and go all out in the cheesiest way possible. Finish the night with cute satin PJs (Victoria's Secret has the best) and watch the cheesiest love movie you can find! (SSB would never let that last part slide....and confession: I loathe The Notebook. I know....but it's just too sad!)

Some girls try to play the "it's about you" card and do something fun for their man.....even if they'd rather let their pup eat their favorite pair of heels than go to a hockey game on Valentine's Day. Regardless, if you are one of these gals, best to dress cute so you can at least look good while being miserable. Check out my post HERE on some great sporting event outfits. As for the ice skating bullshit (kidding), it's a great idea so long as you don't mind freezing. Wear a great winter coat and a bright scarf that brings out, I don't know, the color of your eyes...or the rosiness of your frozen cheeks (on your face, dolls.....) It's February after all, and if you're located in the north or east this month, the most important part is to stay warm...but still look gaw-ghus doing it!

"Forget men, let's just put our pocketbooks on the floor and just dance, screw guys, I just wanna dance!" Dane Cook had it right when he made this joke years ago. Some gals prefer to just hit up the town all-BFF-style over the holiday weekend and rightfully so! Wear the hottest jeans you have with that great blouse/top....you knowwww, the one that makes the girls look good but not like you're suffocating them....just the perfect balance to create that comment from your BFF that is something like....."Woah, when did she become so hot? I'm jealous.....she's going to dance with so many more guys than me. Bitch....." Add a blazer or leather jacket to offset the fact your girls will be freezing and top (or bottom?!) it off with the tallest black heels or wedges you own. OR the red heels that everyone else thinks are questionable but somehow become totally appropriate for this specific night!
(Funny Side Story.....one of the classes at my school had Mock Trials. The girls were told to look professional, like something their mother or grandmother would wear. One girl came in wearing the most offensively tight, short black skirt with HOT PINK 5-inch heels. It's a shame when your shift at the local 18&under club runs into, oh, 7:30am! Yikes.....)


What are you planning for your holiday/holiday weekend? Fill me in, I'd love to hear it. I leave you with some last-minute tips on keeping your hair and makeup just as festive as the rest of you this holiday ;)


HAIR AND MAKEUP TIPS
**Bring out the red lips if you're out with the girls....stick with a soft stain if you'll be smooching the man.
**A great pink cheek against a nice winter face is always in style. Use a bit of creme blush under a powder to help it set and last all night!
**Try putting hot rollers in your hair while doing your makeup or choosing your outfit. Flowing hair with a bit of bend and curl is perfect for the occasion. Not too stuffy but still romantic and fun! Be sure to hairspray the hell out of it with flexible hairspray, too!

Alright, put cupid's arrow in my ass, I'm done talking about this holiday!


Until next time, farewell love bugs and blogger valentines.................................

The First Step To {Superficial} Recovery

.....let's just be clear, I do not have a problem. SSB will be the first to say I do, but it's really a hobby, a passion, a mere interest. It doesn't threaten my well-being....just my wallet.

If something can have an accessory, I feel it is my civil duty as a genuinely superficial person to give it that added extra touch of love.

No, I don't own a bedazzler.
Rhinestones make me vomit.

However, my iPhone is less than a year old & has been through five phone cases.
I just bought a Nook and had to buy it a cover and an adorable reading light...you know, in case I read in the dark (which SSB quickly pointed out....I'm never in the dark.) The light was necessary, though, just in case I find myself in the dark.....JUST in case, people!
I bought my keys small gems (posted in a photo here) just because having one key just didn't justify the cuteness of my new car. Yeah, I went there. That key couldn't be lonely, that's just rude!

So yes, it isn't a problem, so there's no need to recover from it. Here are some other things in the accessory depart that I am lahhh-ving right now...for accessorizing myself & the things around me that--you know--need love, too!

1. This is the cover I picked for my new Nook (and I'm currently reading Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children) -- love anything that looks like a notebook. It was this or a Kate Spade cover...but it was $60 and I just wasn't swinging that when the one I chose was half of that!

2. WHEN (not if) I get the next iPad (SSB's ears are burning somewhere), I will buy this case. I want a case that is more like a Nook cover. I like the sleeves and all that MBMJ & Michael Kors make, but I would much rather have a constant case covering the back, just like I like my iPhone. The patent blue is fierce in my opinion!

3. This watch. Love a dual-tone watch & also love rose gold. I also love that it is NOT a tortoise Michael Kors watch that is literally on everyone's wrists these days! I really must have this. (There goes that so-called "problem" talking again.....)

4. I love having little things here & there in my classroom and on my desk and I love what B&N has to offer in the way of office accessories. How cute are these bookends?! One can never have too many bookends simply because one can never have too many books! (Nerd alert.)

What do YOU love to accessorize? Please fill me in! Obviously I will not buy all of these as reality usually sinks in (or just SSB's voice) and tells me I do not need bookends in multiple amounts or an iPad case when the newest iPad hasn't even been (officially) announced yet..........
..........Fiiiiiiine. Maybe I do have a problem. The first step is admitting it. The second? Feeding it, keeping it ALIIIIVE (cue Frankenstein voice). Screw youuuuu, SSB, leave me and my well-accesorized life alone! (Just kidding, just kidding!!)


Until next time, I'm off to go and look for a new phone case (kidding...sort of)............

SS's Take on GG

Gawd, can you smell that? The hairspray, heavy perfume, and awkward tanning lotion?!
It must be award season. & how wonderful it smells, indeed!
Let's ignore the smells for just a smidgen, though, so we can talk about the red carpet.
Because writing this blog is much more interesting than the lessons I should be writing right now.

"Don't you have MLK day off, though, SS?"
HA -- the kiddos do, but we do not. I wouldn't complain....if it wasn't for the fact I stayed out until 1:30am last night trying to prove I am not an old bore anymore to SSB. Let's just saying....this morning? Woof.

THE OVERALL THOUGHTS
Was it just me or did everyone play it safe?! Solid colors may be in, simple cuts may be banging, but really, I only saw a few "wow" dresses. The rest were fantastic, no less, but not anything that made me text one of my friends to say, "did you seeee that?!" -- If you needed a fantastic play-by-play, check out Courtney Kerr's twitter feed from last night. She is the funny (and ridiculously) fashionable gal from Most Eligible Dallas -- a show I only watched because her monologues were hilar.

THE GREAT

Emma Stone -- If I had to choose a "girl crush," Emma would be my pick. She had me ever since she sang to the "Pocketful of Sunshine" card in that highschool movie. Anyways, this dress, the color, the eagle belt, it all worked for me. She rocked it from head to toe, nothing on her was off. Best Dressed win for me!

Reese Witherspoon -- She makes me regret ever being anything but my natural sunny hue! Dear gawwd her hair may look like she just had a romp in the sheets, but she rocked it! The dress at first glance (on E's red carpet show) looked leather, which was ah-mazing...but even after discovering it was not, it still looked fantastic. She nails it almost anytime just because she is seriously gorgeous.

Dianna Agron -- This was the "wow" dress for me. So many people will probably place her in the "bad" category, but I think she did really well with this choice. Red is a great color for blondes, a great color to be fun with, and she stepped outside the "simple" box, so I commend her for that alone. Hair and makeup were great complements, too!

THE GOOD

Zooey Deschanel -- I wanted to love this but I could only like it. It looked great on her, went well with who she is, but the hair....did anyone notice the awkward curls that mimicked bad sideburns when she was being interview on the carpet?! I couldn't look away! The rest of the 'do was great and the tuxedo nails? Adorable just like her! I wish she went slightly more elegant but I don't fault her for sticking true to herself....and in a custom gown no less!
Nicole Richie -- She is one of my fashion bitches, but she fell short on something here...I just don't know what that something is. The dress is great, if perhaps slightly too simple (shocker), the hair is nice but perhaps an updo would dress this, errm, dress better. It's as though there could have been five more minutes in the styling session to take this up a notch to hit a true high note.
Jessica Biel -- Already preparing for her nuptials I see?! Test-driving dresses during awards season, perhaps? She looks gorgeous, of course, but this dress just was not right for the event. I would easily wear something similar to my wedding, but for an award show, and one you aren't even nominated in?! Go in another direction....one less on the path to Vera Wang and more on the side of, I don't know, Prada or Dior Couture?

THE BAD

Salma Hayek -- Gorgeous woman....so why mess with your perfect face by adding an army of gold on your huge chest?! BAD....a terrible travesty! The bottom was nice but didn't match the top for me at all, as if the real bottom of the dress somehow was ripped by her bodacious bod and they had to pull off a silk tablecloth to save the night. Better luck next time.

Evan Rachel Woof (I mean, Wood) -- HOW many animals were harmed in the making of this dress? The sequins look like lizard skin or snake skin....and adding feathers? On an emerald dress? Pick a texture and stick to it....otherwise, you look like a 5-year-old made your GG dress during Arts&Crafts....and it was the 5-year-old that doesn't exactly make "fridge worthy" art....
Rooney Mara -- The shape, the cut, the bows by the boobs....none of this worked for me. She has such a tender and delicate face but it is matched with her harsh 'do and ill-fitting dress. I get that her hair is the way it is from her role, but still....she should have stuck to the delicate details....a dress in a lighter shade, even, would have saved this disaster. (& the fur jacket in the background is just a bonus for you all! hah)



I am sure there are tons of other faaaabulous bloggers out there that shared their thoughts on the Golden Globes. Do we agree, disagree, did I happen to miss a travesty or a masterpiece? Fill me in!

Until next time, be glad you aren't being judged as harshly (by Joan Rivers) as these celebs are about to be....you know, if you're feeling like your Monday just isn't going well, puts things in perspective, sort of, kind of.............

SS Insights & Insults, Volume Dos

Hello dear friends and readers, happy weekend to you and yours! Salutations all around.

Thought I'd take this time to shed light on the most recent pop culture news considering I am good for nothing else in life.

You know, because I read the Spark Notes of the novel I'm currently teaching my seniors (reeelax, I've read it before, liiiike, most of it...).
You know, because I write the drafts of blog posts when I should be on hall duty (to check passes? pssh).
You know, because I had my speech students write Current Events speeches so that I myself didn't have to read the actual news (& because another informative speech would be death to my soul).

1. God Did Spend (A lot) More Time on Her....while she was on 7th Heaven..... 
(99% sure she isn't wearing makeup in this photo...what a pretty bitch.)

Jessica Timberlake? Meh, sounds like a character from Sweet Valley High.  If you ask me, Biel is gaww-ghus, but in that all-American, no-need-for-makeup, rough but still classy kind of way. Not in the Justin Timberlake way. YEAH. You all know what I mean. He could date a Victoria's Secret angel, an exotic beauty from another country, or just about any drop-dead diva with a brain....but he had to go and pick a freaking Camden -- I feel as though her precher dad wouldn't approve, too much attention, too much focus away from the big man upstairs.
Really, though, I was not a die-hard JT fan (add another T and we have a serious crush!), but this news still made my heart die a bit inside. He was supposed to be a perpetual bachlor, playing in rom-coms, giving us all hope that more JT's exist in the real world. FAIL.

2. Merrymore

("Smile, laugh, act like this will last forever!")

This came out of left field, and while I am entirely indifferent when it comes to Drew Berrymore, I still thought this was great news....until my next thought was if it will actually happen. I just feel like, with these celeb days and ages, their double-sided tape has a better chance of sticking with them their their spouses do. Let's be real.....when you've been an actor since the age of 4 and a drug addict since the age of 13, I wish you luck, but your sober days may outlast your married days, just saying. The one thing she has going for her is that she'll probably never be nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars, giving her the dreaded "strong female" curse, dooming her marriage not even before the dust has settled around her award. Good job, Berrymore, way to aim low! (However, her man is pah-retty cute!)

3. "Living a Deeee-vorce Dream!"

(Just by judging this photo, they clearly are not marriage material.)

We allllll saw this coming, maybe not as much as KK and Kris, but it was only a matter of time until these two just were not longer a Mr. and Mrs. -- let's do the math, shall we? One adorable but spunky-spitfire pop singer plus one recovering addict to both sex and drugs equals nothing good! Over from the beginning? Yes. Were we all hoping they could make it, proving our world is perhaps something decent rather than doomed? Sure. Looks like this failed, giving us even less hope that we'll make it past December 2012. Thanks Myan calander, I blame you!

4. Move over Princess Rih-Rih, there's a new bitch in town!

(This belly is better than all of you, her blood is made of pure gold pretty much.)

It happened, it is here, and I probably am just as excited as I will be when I start having nieces and nephews. Beyonce's baby has arriiiiiived! Her and Jay-Z named their new baby girl Blue Ivy and I......accept it. Do I love it? No. Do I like it? Well, I don't hate it. It could be better, but more so, it could have been much worse. A reason for the name should surface before we even hit hump day this week, so if there's an adorable reason, well then, I'll probably give the name a bit more credit. That baby already has credit of the street variety, though, and other bitches in the R&B world better back up.....because this baby hasn't even left the hospital yet and she's already way cooler than you!

SS Beauty/Fashion Buzz

--Running out of bronzer in January is a travesty. Good thing Sephora gift cards are there to save the day. I am officially underwhelmed by the ever-so-amazing NARS Laguna (wayyy too much shimmer!) and the small Benefit Hoola box scares me, sooooo I went with the tried (once) and true Tarte Mineral Bronzer in Park Ave. Princess. I had Hoola in my hand, but when I compared the colors, Park Ave. just fit my skin tone better. To my dearest blogging bud, The Procrastinator, they do not sell The Balm at my Sephora (or my TJ Maxx's, for that matter), so I was bummed!!

--I am on the road to blonde a solid three months earlier than planned! It feels good to be back, but I'm not all the way back just yet. Didn't want to ruin the health of my hair so we're taking it slow. The progress you ask? A sunny brunette or a very dirtayy blonde. You decide. (It keeps looking a bit lighter in all the photos that I take -- and again, couldn't take a real photo as I still cannot find my camera cord. Blast!)

--I apparently went on a mini shoe binge and scored these two new beauts. Love is an understatement. Left pair is from Target and the right is a Steve Madden pair from Marshall's. Last one & in my size....necessary. I totally plan on rocking both to work, too, sooooo to the older bitches in their Easy-Strides who always glare at my footwear, look out, momma got new girls in town!

Hope you all had an enjoyable weekend -- my hometown had a nice random warm spell. Lah-ving that! I somehow managed to make it out both nights......but was tired during both outings, as well. I am not old, but boy, if I don't get a nap or hit the bed before 11pm, I'm just no good to the world. Note to self: NAP before going out for beverages if you do not plan on coming home until 4am. Woof, what is this, college?! Pshhh.

Until next time, farewell to you all suckassssss.......just kidding, that was rude.

Five Friday - Resolutions!

Now that we've moved through Christmas and are SO very close to 2012, I thought I'd do a Five Friday of the resolution variety...you know, those things we all say we will totally do...and before the calendar even reaches the middle of January, we've already failed.

Admit it, we all do this.

Admit it, we all don't really care.

Well, this year, I do. Sort of. Kind of....I mean, I'm going to try!

2012 Resolutions! (Sort of....)

1. Fit into my bridesmaid's dress. No, this is not a strict, LOSE WEIGHT CHUNKER (whooo you callin' chunker?!) resolution, but rather, I need to tone my ass up (or really, my tum tum) before the wedding. It's in May. Calling all Richard Simmons, Jillian Michaels, and Tracey Andersons.....give me your best shot, I'll do my best not to cry in the shower after.

{"she'll never forgive me for skipping those crunches, 

did you hear the way she was screaming at me?!"}

2. ALWAYS eat breakfast. I know, they say a Starbucks latte every morning is not a breakfast meal, but it is to me...or has been for a solid two years now. I eat breakfast on the weekend....sometimes. I need to go out and buy some good "grab and go" breakfast items, so let me hear your healthiest favorites! I can microwave it at work if need be, too, so what is your favorite quick meal?

{starbucks still has to be a part of my "balanced" breakfast....}

3. Keep my car clear of h2o bottles. Yeah, it sounds like a pathetic resolution, but you have probably not seen the passenger floor of my car, it's a disaster zone with half-filled bottles....and lots of them. Seeing as how I have myself a NEW CAR (said in my best Price is Right voice), I think I should kill it with the white trash bottle look and keep my new whip looking fly & fresh.

{i want to say i feel like a straight ganstahh in it, but it's more girly than 

anything - lighted speakers & hands-free controls, though, baboom! 

oh & my keys will never be bulkier that that, hate that look!}

4. Drink TWO bottles of h2o everyday. Hahahahaha I laugh at my audacity to state such a bold thing. Again, another sorry excuse for a resolution, but I am a terrible water drinker. I just don't like the stuff! However, I know it's absurd of me to not drink it, so I plan on making it taste good at least....you know, get rid of that, ugh, water taste. It's awful, really. However, if I can pull off this resolution, then maybe #3 won't be so hard to overcome, too! Genius, I tell you!

{should I just add these to my water, are they any good?!}

5. Actually keep my above resolutions. Hey, go with me on this one. If I follow this resolution, then I just followed every other resolution on my list. It's double the guilt if I make this resolution and don't follow through with the others, sooooo hopefully this one results in my (sort of) resolutions becoming a (definite) reality. Right? RIGHT?! Well, we'll see......

{classic.}

There you have it, my Five Friday -- resolution style! I hope you all realize these are not truly my big goals of 2012, but a list of things that are absurd and easily fixable and prove how ridiculous I am. Hope you have a list of these too ;)

For now, I cheers to you and yours and hope you have the best of times in 2012. I will be back "next year" to discuss my adventures in 2011 and share some photos, too!


Until next time, have fun watching that big ball drop (that came out terribly wrong)...........................

Christmas Outfits - The Good & The (really) Bad

I know I have already done an outfit post for some go-to holiday styles, but I thought maybe I'd take a moment to point out some fashion trends that may or may not be a good idea to rock for your festive events.

Yeah, I'm talking about all those people you see at church, holiday parties, or work functions that took the dress code to an entirely new level....a level of utter travesty. Let's point them out verbally and giggle behind our computer screens, shall we?

#1 -- ALWAYS Keep it Classy

Ladies, it is never ok to transform your club cocktail dress into a church-going clothing item. Really, the big man and baby Jesus will not smile down on you for your choice of poor fabric, shiny sequins, and sheer black tights you wore in a sorry attempt to "class" up your Christmas outfit.
Rather, think OPAQUE tights, something that hits closer to the knee than closer to your ass, and when in doubt, do not wear something that looks like it falls under the "club" section on F21's website. Yes, hunny, you know what I am talking about...step away from the one-shouldered animal print!

#2 -- Man(ifest) your Guy Code

Gentlemen, please, under no circumstance, wear a turtleneck to any holiday function. Really, even if you are married or have a girl locked down with a ring, it is still entirely unacceptable to revert yourself back to your childhood days of santa-printed turtlenecks and reindeer sweaters. Am I the only one seeing this horrific flashback to yesteryears?! Seriously, though, you look like you're suffocating yourself over the holiday stress and that is never a good look to sport, dear lads.

Rather, a solid-colored sweater or plaid button-down in neutral tones is a smart choice. Understated is always classy, never cheesy. Plus, if you don't have a girl locked down, then you have every reason to look sharp and not seedy with your Santa neck-contraption!

#3 - (Do NOT) Wear your Cheer on Your Sleeves

Lest we forget about those people who wear entirely too much cheer on their sleeves.....and stomachs and shoulders and legs and.....you get the point. Overdoing it on the trashy sweaters and printed pants may be humorous, but really, it is incredibly embarassing at the end of the day. Aside from being the goofy guy in your office or the funny history teacher all the kiddos love, this look does not work! The worst part is when women age themselves by rocking those 3D sweaters where the presents, snowmen, or Christmas trees are literally popping off the vest/sweater/trash...like, really, you really thought it looked good? Did you fail art as a child, too? Clearly your taste in all things creative fell to the wayside somewhere....I hope Santa finds it and brings it back for you with a tastefully wrapped ribbon to boot!
If you must deck the halls in wearable holiday cheer, do it with colors rather than visual art. Wear a red sweater with a great cream scarf. Rock a cobalt blue tee with a black blazer. Jewel tones say "let's rock in this holiday" in a much more fashion-forward way than the woman who has Christmas lights for buttons on her cardigan.

Have any more tips for our fallen fashion friends? Fill me in!

I will leave you with a photo of me & SSB from a Christmas party we attended this weekend.......and boy, we nailed the theme!
Ugly Christmas party?! More like absolutely-dreadful-to-the-point-of-tears Christmas party!! BOOM.

(Yes, mine lights up & yes, SSB has a stocking near/around 

his southern region....gawwwd, I chose a classy one!)

Until next time, I sure hope you are making conscious Christmas clothing choices this season...........

I'm a Prisoner of High School WAR!

....not really, but that's what it feels like! After all, when was the last time I blogged? I don't even remember. Gawwwd, that is a travesty worse than my kiddos failing their philosophy quiz today. HAPPY FRIDAY TO MEEEEE!

What's that, SS? You're discussing your job? That can only mean one thing.....

TEACHER RAAANTS!

hell to the yes.

{no, I do not drink on my job, smoke the reefer, or teach middle school anymore....

but this photo is still kind of perfect.}

I should really preface, well, my entire life by saying I truly am a happy human being. I laugh at the absurdity this job sometimes always shows me, enjoy it to the fullest (most days), and do not walk around all schlumpty-dumpty because I have students who hate me (or other teachers, get over it, you're 40).
I, in fact, work my tush off and then go home to my other life. My life that keeps me sane. My life of napping, eating dinner with friends, drinking with the bf, and other wonderful weekend activities. Those don't (always) make for good stories, though!
Teacher rants, though? Ohhh ho-ho, hunny, they will forever be jems.....these ones happen to all be of the "let's awkwardly hit on the young teacher" variety. ENJOY!

Lesson 1: LISTEN carefully....
Me: Sometimes, this class would be a heck of a lot easier if you were all just as calm as me!
Male Student: Wait, wait, so you don't want me to do me, you want me to do you?
Me: For the 42 minutes you're in my class, yes, I think that's just enough time to learn how relaxing it is.
Male Student: Miss Smith, I'll wait.....{solid five second pause}
Me: Ugh, I hate my life. Well played, though. I hate you, but well played.
.......If you didn't get it right away, either, I don't feel as bad. If you go back and read my response, it fits almost too well. Face, meet my palm. Face, meet my hard desk....and meet is again and again.

Lesson 2: Smell the Sexy
Student: Miss Smith, do you ever have to use the girls' bathroom?
Me: I have before, yes, but do my best to avoid it.
Student: Do you ever smell the upsexy in there?!
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Student: The upsexy, in the girls' bathroom, have you smelled it before?
Me: Seriously, are you slurring your words? Did you take too much cold medicine again?
Student: The upsexy Miss Smith!
Me: What the heck is upsexy?!
Student: Not much, Miss Smith, and thank you for calling me sexy. That's going on Facebook.
......I would have thought he was so damn clever if it was not for the fact I saw this on other blogs just a week after it happened. I tried it on SSB afterwards....didn't work very well. Damnit.

Lesson 3: Cue the Lonely Island Song.....
(Student walking into my class listening to his iPod, song "On Fire")
Student #1: Miss Smith, we're both on fire, what with our red hair.
Me: Yeah, if only mine were real, but it's not.
Student #2: Wait, that isn't your natural hair color?
Me: No, I'm a natural blonde actually, going back to it in March.
Student #2: I think I just, uh, in my pants, I can't wait for March.
Student #1: Well, I guess we'll both still be on fire then, right Miss Smith? Get it? Get it?
........I think SSB may need to come into my classroom(s) with a baseball bat on the last day to beat some sense and respect into these kiddos!

If you're wondering what satisfaction I get out of my job, sometimes I ask myself that question. Really, though, even if I am driven to drink after each day I leave the building, I still love what I do. Even when the kiddos fail their quizzes because they didn't study or a kid comes into my class 5 minutes late because he was "dropping off his kids at the pool," I still love my job. All you can do is smile, laugh, and play harder than you work. I do just that.

I'll leave you with the best comment I heard being yelled down the hallway just before my favorite eighth period today (which is where all of the above stories come from!)...."WELL, HAVE FUN SEXING UP SKANY [insert girl name here] TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOU SURE AS HELL AREN'T GETTING ME!"
.......and the bulk of this school is filled with rich, white kids. Yeah. I felt like I was in a 2011 mashup of Clueless and Mean Girls.....& I loved it.


Glad I could come back from my hectic job to blog about...my hectic job. More rants coming soon, I'm sure, but hopefully they are entirely unrelated to barely legal kiddos faililng miserably in the pick-up lines department.

Until next time, farewell friends and lovahs.........

To Trend or NOT To Trend.....

There are some things that, as of late, have been ailing me, or perhaps, not letting me live my life to its fullest height of superficiality (I kid, I kid). Let's discuss these matters in what I'd like to call: "Blogging is my therapy."

Don't panic, it's not getting that deep!

1. You "mustache" from this trend -- (that should read more like must dash, dear oblivious folks) I don't know why but the mustache craze confuses me so very much, and I've seen it everywhere in the blogosphere since summer! I would appreciate it if we would, at the very least, kill most of the hairy craze....it can remain on cute mugs from Urban Outfitters and the like, but having your entire wedding party holding up the mustache stick or constantly photographing yourself wearing the finger drawn hair craze and then tagging all of those photos on your facebook is just going beyond the normal boundaries! Please, for the love of all that is blogging, stop the madness!

{if you own all of this, you've gone too far!}

2. I hate blood, but love Edward -- I have an obsession and don't care who knows it! Actually, I do because I've never been overtly open about my love for all things Twilight and the vampire trend, but alas, I am opening up now since this is a therapeutic session where you, dear reader, are not allowed to judge. Do the books suck from a literary standpoint? Yes, the errors are horrendous, her editor should be fired, but I still love those books!! Did the first movie make me feel awkward from all the tension and fakeness from the actors? Without a doubt, stop biting your lip Kristen Stewart! The movies (and actors) have come into their own, though, and I think they've gotten better with time.

.....ok, ok, so I just want to see Edward Cullen break the headboard in the sex scene heard 'round the world. Don't judge me with those judgy eyes!

{if you haven't seen the trailer of him breaking the bed, watch now}

3. "You're one and only source into...." -- Ever since Gossip Girl has been added to Netflix (or ever since I discovered this fact thanks to AlmostBritain!), I have been watching it with every free moment given to me since the weekend. I may or may not have started the middle of season two on Saturday only to be six episodes away from finishing season four.......and I may or may not have watched it too much, as my own dreams the other night were narrated by Kristen Bell's voice, I kid you not (not nearly as glamorous as it may sound!) SSB told me I should take sleeping meds. I think maybe a good day away from GG would aid me just fine, but we all know that won't happen. XOXO.....

{not a Little J fan in the slightest!!}

4. It's beginning to look a lot like...nothing?! -- I love Christmas tunes as much as the....next gal or guy who loves Christmas tunes, but let's be real, the first snow fell over Halloween weekend and hasn't showed its glittery face since! I mean, I don't need the snow, really (no really, Mother Nature, I don't!!!), but I need something to feel like the holidays in order for my inner Santa-believing-child to come out and rejoice all things merry and bright. I listened to Michael Buble's Christmas album the other day before feeling like I just jumped the gun. Stepping into the Starbucks store today, though, totally changed everything. Father Christmas, you are now officially welcomed into my world :) You have been greeted with my snow globe fingers and the best Christmas album to date...NSYNC's. Yeah, I said it.

{OPI Skull & Glossbones under F21's Silver Sparkle Polish}

There you have it, "trends" I have been conflicted with in the past week or so.
Mustaches -- NO!
Vampires -- Just Edward Cullen.
Gossip Girl -- Intervention?!
Christmas -- Now HERE!


Until next time, I hope you also use blogging as your therapeutic session....after arriving home from your actual shrink...........

Scarf Sunday!

{So I forgot to post this during the actual Wednesday it should have been up.....don't judge me with those judge-y eyes!}

He-low, lads & ladies! Today, we here have a Wrapped Wednesday Scarf Sunday that will take ye to the Scottish lands. So grab ye kilts and hold on tight!

Alright, I'm done, I tried, the accent is just too much! (I think that sounded more "pirate" anyways....my bad!)

This week's scarf is one of my favorites (do I say that every WW now?!) because it's a bold pattern but still matches everything (well, I normally wear solid colors...so for my wardrobe, it matches everything!) Here in North America, we just consider it a plaid scarf, but those Scottish fellers call it "tartan" -- so please do not call it "Tartan Plaid" as that is ridiculously redundant...like when people say they need to go to the "ATM Machine"....uuhhhh, what does the "M" stand for in that acronym, genius?! Infuriating!

{enter awkward facial expression......aaaaand scene.}

Does the Scottish intro make sense now?! Maybe?!

I actually wore this scarf a lot in college, considering I purchased it during junior year (awesome memory, I know). I had more than a handful of people compliment the scarf and say, "Awesome, a tartan scarf!" and of course my response on the outside was, "Yeah, totally, thanks!" and on the inside, I was all "Uhh, it's plaid but whatever, smile and nod!"

I recently just wore this scarf with:
--Black skinnies, my Aldo boots, a white tee, and blush-tone leather jacket...love.

I also love wearing this with:
--Classic blue skinnies, brown boots, and a black crewneck sweater....so preppy of me!
--Black maxi skirt, white v-neck tee, and a slouchy beanie...hippy meets Scottish?!
--Dark dress pants, white button-up (or button-down?!), blush blazer...the Tartan scarf is my "kilt at work" attire....get it?! Maybe? No? Fine.

I usually wear this scarf just around my neck, nothing special, but for very cold days, try this trick with your wool (and wool plaid) scarves!
1. Wrap around neck, throw both ends behind & bring back around to front.
2. Take the left end and tuck it UP into the loop/hole.
3. Take the right end and tuck it DOWN into the loop/hole.


Before I finish this Scottish rant, for those who want a laugh, look at this -- Glossary of Scottish Terms. Truly my kind of place seeing as how they have about 10 words that mean drunk........


Until next time, I bid you farewell, fellow non-Scottish-jargon-speakers...........

SS Insight....& Insults....

As an avid celebrity whore who knows about the happenings of celebrities before most of the people in my circle ("Hello, I heard about that a solid three hours ago!"), I often times have had enough time to dwell on such celeb happenings and form an opinion about them before others even have the chance to peruse TMZ for the story.

It's a gift.

Not a gift that will save the world or rid people of disease, but in the very least give me a solid chance at winning a Trivial Pursuit game that is solely based on celebrities and/or facts that will never justify my college degree.

My thoughts this week? Well, in a nutshell:

--I think the person who is hurting the most in the Ksquared wedding is none other than Jessica Simpson.

--LaLohan in jail? Wait, I feel as though this has happened before..........and we got the mugshots to prove it!

--Indie lovers are crying over a wedding that has nothing to do with fat asses or Frankenstein look-a-likes.

--People.com thinks you're still obsessed with Will & Kate...which is great....because I totes am.

{I'm sorry....their offspring would never measure up to the cuteness that is Mason Dash....}

1. FAIRYTALE DIVORCE

I mean, let's be real, that wedding was never going to make it. I actually had full faith in Khole's wedding back when she decided to marry after a solid 5 minutes....and to this day I don't even know why I did, but hey, they are the ones still married!
What really hurt K&K is the fact that there was virtually no love shown on their two-day reality extravaganza.....unless you count Mason, because I love that little man...can we clone him?!  They fought over dogs, food, living situations...nothing was spared! She didn't even want to cry in front of him?! SSB has seen me cry multiple times (all his fault of course.....) -- these two were doomed. I'd like to say to K.Kardash, "If you're having hubby problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems but Kris ain't one."
Really, though, Jessica Simpson got f*cked in this situation. The whole month of "IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?!" (when she cah-learrrly was!) got trumped by this divorce everyone saw coming. Her whole cutesy Halloween costume as a "mummy" was a mere blimp in the celeb radar that day because of Kardashian and her extremely odd choice in a husband. So yes, J.Simp is in fact pregnant, but you may or may not know that because you were too busy reading how "hurt" the family is over this divorce.....the same family who loathed this Frankenstein freak for two days on national television.

{You left the house feeling pretty LaLohan? Really? Really?!}

2. DEJA VU JAIL TIME

Seriously, lock her up and melt the key so no one can duplicate it. LEAVE HER IN THERE. F*ck good behavior, overcrowding, or any other crap they may throw her way to get her out sooner.....keep her ass under lock and no key!
I get it, she didn't really do anything, it's not like she murdered her parents (though she should consider this) or was busted for drugs (though it's clear she is never sober), but she is just cray-cray enough to keep out of the public eye.....forever. Also, her choice of contour and blush during her last court hearing is plenty reason to keep her away from the limelight....I'm still gagging over her poorly made face. GAGGING.
Is there anyway someone can just accidentally shove her into one of those areas in the morgue so we can call it a day? I feel like half of the workers at that morgue (where she is doing her community service, hysterical) have been dyyyying (pun entirely intended!) to get her gone fo' good, son! I don't blame them....can you?!

{Death Cab for Divorce....bad joke, I know}

3. A REAL EMO REASON TO CRY

If you don't love The New Girl or listen to Death Cab for Cutie, just move past this. However, you should know there was another divorce this week that actually did surprise me....the ever-so adorable Zooey Dechanel and DCFC front man Ben Gibbard separated after three years of marriage. I'm no good at math but that's liiiiike......3 years longer than Kim K's....just saying.
You may or may not have heard about this story by the overwhelming sigh of relief and rejoice that came from just about every blue-blooded male on the planet....& me.....because she could do wayyyy better than a dude who sings really sad songs that make me feel like I should have a whole lot of self-pity for no gosh damn reason.

{Gawghus.....Will, you ain't so bad, I 'spose}

4. LONG LIVE THE UNBORN QUEEN

I don't think I ever go a day without seeing a photo of either Kate, Will, Harry, or Pippa on People.com.....a site I visit a solid 3 6 10 times a day. I mean, they have a section completely devoted to the "Royals" which is just bloody brilliant!
I think Pippa is ridiculously gorgeous, I'm waiting for Harry to just get with her already, and if there's a photo of Will, it better have Kate...or I'm just bored.
It's been a year since their engagement (just reached creeper status right there) and I still stinking love Kate. I think it's fantastic they recently made the change to let the future Kate look-a-like daughter to be queen if that day were to come...instead of her potential brother to pass her up for the throne. I think it speaks multitudes for what our future holds and gives me hope I can push my future son off with this royal offspring....you know, a girl can dream!


There you have it, my opinion on the latest celeb juice. You may not be a fan of such news but I am a solid believer in E! being enough news for my knowledge.
Real news is just far too depressing and if I have to hear and/or see another photo of #OccupyWallStreet....I will punch someone.
I will forever be the girl who only reads the "Entertainment" and "Living and Eatocracy" sections on CNN's online site. & no, I am not ashamed to admit this!

Before I leave, please do yourself a favor and type "do a barrel roll" into your google search bar.....and be prepared to feel like you do after 5 too many martinis. You're welcome.

Until next time, where I come back to actually be a sort of beauty blogger, have a splendid and celeb-free day........