SS Insights & Insults, Volume Dos

Hello dear friends and readers, happy weekend to you and yours! Salutations all around.

Thought I'd take this time to shed light on the most recent pop culture news considering I am good for nothing else in life.

You know, because I read the Spark Notes of the novel I'm currently teaching my seniors (reeelax, I've read it before, liiiike, most of it...).
You know, because I write the drafts of blog posts when I should be on hall duty (to check passes? pssh).
You know, because I had my speech students write Current Events speeches so that I myself didn't have to read the actual news (& because another informative speech would be death to my soul).

1. God Did Spend (A lot) More Time on Her....while she was on 7th Heaven..... 
(99% sure she isn't wearing makeup in this photo...what a pretty bitch.)

Jessica Timberlake? Meh, sounds like a character from Sweet Valley High.  If you ask me, Biel is gaww-ghus, but in that all-American, no-need-for-makeup, rough but still classy kind of way. Not in the Justin Timberlake way. YEAH. You all know what I mean. He could date a Victoria's Secret angel, an exotic beauty from another country, or just about any drop-dead diva with a brain....but he had to go and pick a freaking Camden -- I feel as though her precher dad wouldn't approve, too much attention, too much focus away from the big man upstairs.
Really, though, I was not a die-hard JT fan (add another T and we have a serious crush!), but this news still made my heart die a bit inside. He was supposed to be a perpetual bachlor, playing in rom-coms, giving us all hope that more JT's exist in the real world. FAIL.

2. Merrymore

("Smile, laugh, act like this will last forever!")

This came out of left field, and while I am entirely indifferent when it comes to Drew Berrymore, I still thought this was great news....until my next thought was if it will actually happen. I just feel like, with these celeb days and ages, their double-sided tape has a better chance of sticking with them their their spouses do. Let's be real.....when you've been an actor since the age of 4 and a drug addict since the age of 13, I wish you luck, but your sober days may outlast your married days, just saying. The one thing she has going for her is that she'll probably never be nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars, giving her the dreaded "strong female" curse, dooming her marriage not even before the dust has settled around her award. Good job, Berrymore, way to aim low! (However, her man is pah-retty cute!)

3. "Living a Deeee-vorce Dream!"

(Just by judging this photo, they clearly are not marriage material.)

We allllll saw this coming, maybe not as much as KK and Kris, but it was only a matter of time until these two just were not longer a Mr. and Mrs. -- let's do the math, shall we? One adorable but spunky-spitfire pop singer plus one recovering addict to both sex and drugs equals nothing good! Over from the beginning? Yes. Were we all hoping they could make it, proving our world is perhaps something decent rather than doomed? Sure. Looks like this failed, giving us even less hope that we'll make it past December 2012. Thanks Myan calander, I blame you!

4. Move over Princess Rih-Rih, there's a new bitch in town!

(This belly is better than all of you, her blood is made of pure gold pretty much.)

It happened, it is here, and I probably am just as excited as I will be when I start having nieces and nephews. Beyonce's baby has arriiiiiived! Her and Jay-Z named their new baby girl Blue Ivy and I......accept it. Do I love it? No. Do I like it? Well, I don't hate it. It could be better, but more so, it could have been much worse. A reason for the name should surface before we even hit hump day this week, so if there's an adorable reason, well then, I'll probably give the name a bit more credit. That baby already has credit of the street variety, though, and other bitches in the R&B world better back up.....because this baby hasn't even left the hospital yet and she's already way cooler than you!

SS Beauty/Fashion Buzz

--Running out of bronzer in January is a travesty. Good thing Sephora gift cards are there to save the day. I am officially underwhelmed by the ever-so-amazing NARS Laguna (wayyy too much shimmer!) and the small Benefit Hoola box scares me, sooooo I went with the tried (once) and true Tarte Mineral Bronzer in Park Ave. Princess. I had Hoola in my hand, but when I compared the colors, Park Ave. just fit my skin tone better. To my dearest blogging bud, The Procrastinator, they do not sell The Balm at my Sephora (or my TJ Maxx's, for that matter), so I was bummed!!

--I am on the road to blonde a solid three months earlier than planned! It feels good to be back, but I'm not all the way back just yet. Didn't want to ruin the health of my hair so we're taking it slow. The progress you ask? A sunny brunette or a very dirtayy blonde. You decide. (It keeps looking a bit lighter in all the photos that I take -- and again, couldn't take a real photo as I still cannot find my camera cord. Blast!)

--I apparently went on a mini shoe binge and scored these two new beauts. Love is an understatement. Left pair is from Target and the right is a Steve Madden pair from Marshall's. Last one & in my size....necessary. I totally plan on rocking both to work, too, sooooo to the older bitches in their Easy-Strides who always glare at my footwear, look out, momma got new girls in town!

Hope you all had an enjoyable weekend -- my hometown had a nice random warm spell. Lah-ving that! I somehow managed to make it out both nights......but was tired during both outings, as well. I am not old, but boy, if I don't get a nap or hit the bed before 11pm, I'm just no good to the world. Note to self: NAP before going out for beverages if you do not plan on coming home until 4am. Woof, what is this, college?! Pshhh.

Until next time, farewell to you all suckassssss.......just kidding, that was rude.

SS Insight....& Insults....

As an avid celebrity whore who knows about the happenings of celebrities before most of the people in my circle ("Hello, I heard about that a solid three hours ago!"), I often times have had enough time to dwell on such celeb happenings and form an opinion about them before others even have the chance to peruse TMZ for the story.

It's a gift.

Not a gift that will save the world or rid people of disease, but in the very least give me a solid chance at winning a Trivial Pursuit game that is solely based on celebrities and/or facts that will never justify my college degree.

My thoughts this week? Well, in a nutshell:

--I think the person who is hurting the most in the Ksquared wedding is none other than Jessica Simpson.

--LaLohan in jail? Wait, I feel as though this has happened before..........and we got the mugshots to prove it!

--Indie lovers are crying over a wedding that has nothing to do with fat asses or Frankenstein look-a-likes.

--People.com thinks you're still obsessed with Will & Kate...which is great....because I totes am.

{I'm sorry....their offspring would never measure up to the cuteness that is Mason Dash....}

1. FAIRYTALE DIVORCE

I mean, let's be real, that wedding was never going to make it. I actually had full faith in Khole's wedding back when she decided to marry after a solid 5 minutes....and to this day I don't even know why I did, but hey, they are the ones still married!
What really hurt K&K is the fact that there was virtually no love shown on their two-day reality extravaganza.....unless you count Mason, because I love that little man...can we clone him?!  They fought over dogs, food, living situations...nothing was spared! She didn't even want to cry in front of him?! SSB has seen me cry multiple times (all his fault of course.....) -- these two were doomed. I'd like to say to K.Kardash, "If you're having hubby problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems but Kris ain't one."
Really, though, Jessica Simpson got f*cked in this situation. The whole month of "IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?!" (when she cah-learrrly was!) got trumped by this divorce everyone saw coming. Her whole cutesy Halloween costume as a "mummy" was a mere blimp in the celeb radar that day because of Kardashian and her extremely odd choice in a husband. So yes, J.Simp is in fact pregnant, but you may or may not know that because you were too busy reading how "hurt" the family is over this divorce.....the same family who loathed this Frankenstein freak for two days on national television.

{You left the house feeling pretty LaLohan? Really? Really?!}

2. DEJA VU JAIL TIME

Seriously, lock her up and melt the key so no one can duplicate it. LEAVE HER IN THERE. F*ck good behavior, overcrowding, or any other crap they may throw her way to get her out sooner.....keep her ass under lock and no key!
I get it, she didn't really do anything, it's not like she murdered her parents (though she should consider this) or was busted for drugs (though it's clear she is never sober), but she is just cray-cray enough to keep out of the public eye.....forever. Also, her choice of contour and blush during her last court hearing is plenty reason to keep her away from the limelight....I'm still gagging over her poorly made face. GAGGING.
Is there anyway someone can just accidentally shove her into one of those areas in the morgue so we can call it a day? I feel like half of the workers at that morgue (where she is doing her community service, hysterical) have been dyyyying (pun entirely intended!) to get her gone fo' good, son! I don't blame them....can you?!

{Death Cab for Divorce....bad joke, I know}

3. A REAL EMO REASON TO CRY

If you don't love The New Girl or listen to Death Cab for Cutie, just move past this. However, you should know there was another divorce this week that actually did surprise me....the ever-so adorable Zooey Dechanel and DCFC front man Ben Gibbard separated after three years of marriage. I'm no good at math but that's liiiiike......3 years longer than Kim K's....just saying.
You may or may not have heard about this story by the overwhelming sigh of relief and rejoice that came from just about every blue-blooded male on the planet....& me.....because she could do wayyyy better than a dude who sings really sad songs that make me feel like I should have a whole lot of self-pity for no gosh damn reason.

{Gawghus.....Will, you ain't so bad, I 'spose}

4. LONG LIVE THE UNBORN QUEEN

I don't think I ever go a day without seeing a photo of either Kate, Will, Harry, or Pippa on People.com.....a site I visit a solid 3 6 10 times a day. I mean, they have a section completely devoted to the "Royals" which is just bloody brilliant!
I think Pippa is ridiculously gorgeous, I'm waiting for Harry to just get with her already, and if there's a photo of Will, it better have Kate...or I'm just bored.
It's been a year since their engagement (just reached creeper status right there) and I still stinking love Kate. I think it's fantastic they recently made the change to let the future Kate look-a-like daughter to be queen if that day were to come...instead of her potential brother to pass her up for the throne. I think it speaks multitudes for what our future holds and gives me hope I can push my future son off with this royal offspring....you know, a girl can dream!


There you have it, my opinion on the latest celeb juice. You may not be a fan of such news but I am a solid believer in E! being enough news for my knowledge.
Real news is just far too depressing and if I have to hear and/or see another photo of #OccupyWallStreet....I will punch someone.
I will forever be the girl who only reads the "Entertainment" and "Living and Eatocracy" sections on CNN's online site. & no, I am not ashamed to admit this!

Before I leave, please do yourself a favor and type "do a barrel roll" into your google search bar.....and be prepared to feel like you do after 5 too many martinis. You're welcome.

Until next time, where I come back to actually be a sort of beauty blogger, have a splendid and celeb-free day........