SSRant : Failed Footwear

After seeing several shoes this season that I am absolutely in love with, it made me wonder if there are any styles I don't drool over. Then, I thought, "Well, you're SS, there has to be something to bitch about." Right you are, alter ego, so why not document my loathing(s) for your reading pleasure? I mean, chances are you'll cringe just as much....and run away in your well-chosen footwear.....I hope!

SS-PREFACES : There are exceptions to every rule in fashion & to every dislike I have in life. Take what I say as humor -- there are, undoubtedly, good choices in footwear that may fall under one of the following categories (except for #4 -- not budging there!), so feel free to inform me if you have found a fantastic pair of one of the following.

1. Square-Toe-Anything.  I do not care how old you are, there is no excuse to resort your feet to becoming squares -- after all, wasn't that a name for "lame" people back in the day? So then why would you want to be reminded of that by the shoes on your feet? Not a good look, a very dated one, to be exact!

{proof that even designers get it wrong - by Miu Miu shoes}

 

2. Kitten Heels. It may be the fact that I tripped down THIRTEEN stairs wearing these shoes one day (stupid mini heel and it catching on my wide leg pant!), but really, despite that fact, I never knew why I had a pair. I cringe at the look of them now. Nothing says, "I have no fashionable instincts" like a pair of kitten heels. They do nothing to flatter you. If all you want is just a bit of extra height, go for it, but just know you look way better at 5 feet tall with cute flats than you do with the extra one inch. I think there was a time and a place for these, but those times and those places are over. If you ever saw these on someone and thought they looked good, then I'm sure said woman was a super tall, super thin gal with skinny jeans and a blazer....she already looked so damn polished, her shoes weren't going to ruin her stride. No pun intended.

{can hardly stomach this photo. GAG.}

3. Small Wedges. I mean, if I don't like a small heel, what makes you think I'd like a small wedge? Let's be honest, I'm short. Why do I want anything small to highlight that fact? No, make it raaaain on this bitch with big heels and big wedges.....actually, don't, that would be painful. Nonetheless, you can probably pick up what I'm putting down. Small wedges look so "I'm in middle school/high school and want to have height but mom won't buy me big girl shoes yet." Sort of similar to #1, it doesn't date you, but rather un-dates you.....& we may want that kind of backtracking on our face (hello no wrinkles!) but not in our sense of style!

{really? I mean, just like your last boyfriend, you can do better!}

4. UGGS. I mean, the name is far too dangerously close to the word ugly and if you add an "h" to the end, you get the classic grunt of disapproval, so it goes without saying. Also, in another pet peeve fashion rant, I may have mentioned these bad boys when paired with denim skirts.....with good reason. I really cannot get behind this look. I get the idea behind them, I do -- comfort is great and I'm all for it, but these are so rounded, so uniform, they just are so unflattering! I really do think they ruin a perfectly good sense of personal style, no matter what you say, I will always think this. Sorry, hate me for hating these, but I cannot possibly deter. The only time I think these are acceptable is to shovel snow or play out in the snow, anything snow related......but then the material is not made for snow, so it's just ridiculous. Let's call the whole thing off ugg.

{proof that many Big Foot sightings have been seen....on just about any college campus.}

Why do I always do things in four? It's getting out of hand, but then again, I do have the roman numeral on my body, so it's basically ingrained in me to be this way. I can't control it, just accept it.

I hope you have some fashion footwear pet peeves you'd like to share so I'm not the only blogging bitch around these parts. I apologize if I offended you with my choices....then again, it's just my opinion, not like I'm proclaiming this as fact....unless, of course, you agree with me ;) hah

I hope you're all feverishly planning your spook-tacular Halloween outfits. I am still waiting to see mine, it's currently en route in the mail. Fingers crossed it's good enough...otherwise, I'm out of luck! Why must Halloween stores makes certain costumes "Online Only" -- I mean, it's terribly inconvenient!


Until next time, farewell to all my fashionable footwear females out there............

Fall Fahion F*ck-Ups

With all the wonder and beauty of fall, you have to be a tad curious where all the ugliness goes. Perhaps it's hidden under the crumpled leaves in your driveway or even behind the boxes with your light, summery apparel, but you could just stop searching and look on some of the runways.....there, you'll see an array of beauty meeting.....beasts.

Why write post after post on awesome fall fashion when I can hone in on the horrid travesties that went down some of the runways for our viewing entertainment? Let's hop right to it, shall we?

Preface : I am not degrading, defacing, or any other de-action to any of the designers and/or models mentioned below. In fact, I like most--if not all!--of the designers, but even the brightest star can flicker out, if only for a moment....a moment we can catch and document on SS ;)

1. Michelin Man's Golden Girlfriend

Do I even need to explain the problem here? In case you didn't already have linebacker shoulders, let's add the "rounded shoulder" silhouette to a spray-painted bag that could hold about four car tires and call it a dress. While we're at it, let's ruin some poor girl's modeling book with this blown-up catastrophe. Her parents must be so proud of their daughter who left high school prematurely to only be left looking like this. This model must have been thrilled when she saw she got to wear this gem, but at least now the Michelin Man can find love.
Dress, Stella McCartney

2. Pain is not always Beauty

Dear gawwwd, this hurts just looking at it. I have never been into the choker look, and even with it coming out in a big (literally) way, I still just can't get behind this look, and I really can't get behind this particular travesty. Not exactly the most flattering photo, sure, but I don't think that's the issue here. The issue is that the "style" of women wearing necklace upon necklace to make their necks longer (history lesson!) is just as long gone as their long necks. I think. I mean, I haven't seen those women on the National Geographic in awhile, anyways. Regardless, this necklace just puts me at a loss for words, into a choke hold in the name of fashion.....I'm gasping for air.
Choker, Emanuel Ungaro

3. The Abonimal Snowman [sort of] Exists.....

I don't even know what to say other than it appears that a 70s disco girl was eaten alive by some furry forest creature who decided to wear her clothes to hide the evidence. I don't even like the mixed-bag of fabric going on, either, so both the eaten-alive girl and this forest troll have terrible taste in retro fashion. You can't blame "it" for wearing those shades, though, because you have to hide behind something when the rest of you is an open-everyone-look-at-this-train-wreck-mess.
Duster, Just Cavalli

4. Fire or Puke? Or BOTH?!

This look has the potential to be a knockout. Right now, in its current runway state, it's more like someone just tried to knock you out and instead left you winded and dry-heaving. I just painted a love-el-ly picture for you, you're welcome ;) Honestly, though, the fit is horrendous, the print is garish, and the dragons --wait, ARE they even dragons?!--look like they are spitting out who-knows-what instead of their trademark fire. The shorts are a bit too sheeny-shiny for this look, and the white shirt underneath just reminds me of how women still wear ill-fitting tops that are too short and try (and fail) by pairing it with a button-up underneath. I think I may start dry-heaving now. At least the shoes save what VERY little dignity this outfit has left. Change the silhouette of the sweater, kill one of the dragons, give the remaining dragon some actual fire, pair with a simple pair of dark cigarette jeans and rich brown boots and you may have saved this disaster....maybe.
Crewneck Sweater, Carven

[All photos courtesy of WhoWhatWear.com]

There you have it, even fall fashion has to have a few dead leaves. I assure you I will post more in the name of good fall fashion soon enough, but why not start it off with a good chuckle?

Hope you're ending you week on a great note and that you thoroughly enjoy this holiday weekend. I have no real plans, except for red velvet wine and netflix once this after-school nanny shift is complete!

Until next time, farewell love bugs....

Beatuy Bitch is BACK!

Hello all you lovely people out there! I'm back to write after a week away - did you miss me? Don't answer that question. Didn't even notice I was MIA? You're the rude one, then, not me! Keep that in mind, too, when reading the post that's about to unfold ;)

I have been away due to my new job kicking my behind! I left being a teacher to start being a nanny for the summer months and WOW....I am rethinking this whole "only want boys" thing. Being a nanny, simply put, is this: having all the responsibilities of a mom without any of the authority. Therefore, it's nine hours of battling, feeding, cleaning, and sweating....so needless to say I had little to no energy left to blog about beauty when I felt sticky from a full day of boys and toys and bugs. YUCK!

So, let's shift gears and write about something entirely unrelated to my summer job. Due to aforementioned events, I have not had time for hauls, reviews, or anything super-beauty-fun-like, but I still have something up my sleeve. In honor of my weekend away (totally needed after a first week of nannying!) I realized how many pet peeves I truly do have....when it comes to how other people look...from the neck up. I have already done fashion pet peeves (click here) so why not try my hand at informing you all of my beauty pet peeves...prepare to cringe, vomit, or even faint over the following...I would if I wasn't too busy smack-talking the gals who commit such heinous beauty crimes!

1. TOO Much Makeup - An obvious one, but let's break it down even farther.  I don't mind if I can tell that you are wearing a full face, as long as it doesn't look harsh. Too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing. What makes this even worse? When your skin is in bad shape....I admit, I sympathize and have tried masking a blemish or two in my past, but a full face of skin issues should not be masked by a full face of foundations, concealers, and caked-on powder. I wish I could have told our server that yesterday because my boyfriend and his friends just made it awkward when they all concurrently wanted to know, "What's wrong with her face? It looks like brown paint exploded on her." Boys are brutal, but alas, they were right on target with their question, albeit quite harsh. It's TRUE, though, too much makeup is just TOO much. Obviously my photo is a dramatization of what I'm talking about, but really, it isn't that far off from some of the people I've come across as of late!

2. THICK Eyeliner - I love myself a cat eye (although I've never tried this look on myself), but when a gal has just a HUGE, messy line of liner...I instantly think less of her. Unless she is on her way to a themed party where you are encouraged to look like a hooker, put the eyeliner pen/gel/pencil down and step away! I saw this all the time happen at school when the faculty bathroom was taken and had to resort to using the girl's bathroom next door (hated that!) - girls would be shoved in front of the mirror piling on super black inky eyeliner....and they looks like ten cent hookers....no, they looked worse than the hookers. Makes me want to cry...but then again, I'd be afraid my tears would turn black. Oh wait, I don't even have mascara on today (nanny fail). Taylor Moms, you need to go back to being little nice Jenny Humphrey and hang up your hooker look in the back of your closet!

3. Frosted Pink Lips - let's just be clear....in my opinion, lips can be just about any color in the book aside from being frosted. Really, this look is only worn by the skanks who go out to bars just to take photos of themselves looking like a duck. It is a look mastered by the fashion trainwrecks of the world; it is only made worse when it's put against orange skin and looks nearly white instead of a cute pink - such a fine line you're walking there, my dear! Gahhh, I should have put this first, because it truly makes me want to cringe and makes my eye twitch at the thought of such a heinous look. Really, whoever decided this look was in should be taken behind a Sephora alley and beaten to death with a hair dryer. Was that too harsh? NO, because I loathe this look that much! The truth hurts....so do hair dryers.

4. Skunk Hair - Ok, I know your hair isn't "technically" beauty but it "sorta" is. I'm done using the quotes now. Really, though, skunks are not cute. Ok, they are...but only when they're being sold for $40 at a farmer's market after being de-scented (I've heard stories about this and am strongly considering looking into a skunk pet - but the fear of it not being fully de-scented scares me too much. Random rant over....) I also want to meet the person who decided that this two-tone style should be a hit....because they deserve to be hit....and to have their eyes burned with the peroxide that's dying the top (or bottom) part of this trend! I am all for coloring your hair; add low lights, put in some highlights, but when you deliberately make your hair two very different colors, I have no sympathy for you. Even Pepe Le Pew would look the other way....and that's saying something, because that skunk chases pussy all the time. CATS, people, I'm talking cats....relax. If you somehow tragically fell into this trend, run (don't walk) to a bathroom and dye your hair immediately!

5. Painted Eyebrows - As a girl who was plagued with stick-straight hair but curly-coarse eyebrows, I know the woes of the brows better than anyone....after all, when it's been too long between waxes, my boyfriend lovingly calls them "caterpillars"....what a bitch! Either way, I'll take my bush-man eyebrows any day over seeing another pair of drawn-on eyebrows. I have horrendous eyesight but I can still clearly tell your eyebrows ARE NOT REAL! I am very sorry if you can't grow thick eyebrows, but embrace what you do have, don't cover it up and paint over it. It makes me instantly think you just left your drag gig and somehow forgot to wash off your stage makeup first. Do you want me thinking your a drag queen? No? I didn't think so. Go get some real brows.

I don't think I was as mean as I am normally, so perhaps that's a good thing? I truly do apologize if any of my beauty pet peeves offended you, but listen, it's all in good fun. I'm entitled to my own opinions, right?

Do you agree, disagree, hate me for what I said or glad I said it for you? Let me know! I promise I'll stop letting my nanny gig suck the life out of me and I'll blog more often. Once July 15 hits, I go down to work 3-day weeks instead, so only a bit more time before I can blog much, much more. Yay? Nay? Anything you'd like me to write about? Fill me in!

I've missed you all! Until next time, farewell my lovahs.

OOTW + Club Commentary

Yeah, that's not a typo. I am posting an "outfit of the weekend" - no, I didn't spend all three (yes, Friday is the weekend!) trolling around in this outfit as I would undoubtedly look like a hooker, but it was the "main even" outfit, so it deserves the new title of OOTW. Explanation finished...let's move on!

Went out to a new club in the city to celebrate a friend's birthday (even though we're celebrating again next weekend for his real birthday!), so I needed to do it up as I have A) not been to a full-blown club since my college days and B)we were getting to drink open bar until midnight for twenty cash-dollars....and who doesn't want to look like the rest of the club-heads when they're drinking with the best of 'em, am I right? So here's the outfit...it's as "club" as I could let myself go.

Dress - H&M

Jacket - Forever 21

Necklace - Forever 21

Shoes - Marshall's

 The jacket later came off as I forgot how hot as hell those club places get, but I liked the jacket for a "hey, she's not a complete whore" type of look as well as adding a little edge to an otherwise girly outfit. LOVE my new shoes, such a random trip to Marshall's on Friday (after seeing Bridesmaids, no words!) left me with these bad boys and a nice pair of daisy dukes from Guess - go me! Can always use another pair of wedges, right?

The white dress used to not be quite so hooker tight when I bought it last year....guess my ass and boobs got a smidgen bigger....not sure if that's good or bad, but we'll go with it regardless!

So let's talk CLUBS - cue the pop music, bad dancing, and even worse outfits! I am very conscious when it comes to my appearance in public, but apparently some people just don't give A SHIT about it, and I'm sorry, but that's just rude to the rest of us! Yeah, I'm talk to the girls who are wearing shorts so tight that they create muffin tops coming out of the bottom of their shorts....like, that's not a good look for anyone, so who let you out looking like that? (For more fashion pet peeves, click here!)

VIP areas make me uncomfortable. Roped off sections for a group of people that probably wasted far too much money for bottle service piss me off,  but not in the way you would think. They piss me off when they're in the bathroom and talking about how they over drafted their bank account to get the bottle service and how "so many random people are drinking my shiiiit".....bitch, you have some random-ass guido watching your area and he's going to let in any hot piece of ass he can just to play the cool-guy card....you're to blame entirely for this....any club-head who sees VIP is going to do just about anything short of selling their body to the bouncer for a chance at your over-priced Stolli and Captain, just saying. It's your own fault to felt the need to pay so much to look like the rest of us paying $20 for all-you-can-drink until midnight.

Bathroom commentary (as previously mentioned) is the cherry on top of the club sundae. Bitches cheating on their boyfriends, talking about the other bitches in the club who are trying to cheat on their boyfriends right in front of them, and also the gals who are breaking shit (pretty sure someone's going to need to pay for you throwing your shoe at the tampon receptacle in the bathroom stall), stuffing toilet paper down their bras in front of everyone washing their hands (I'm sorry but I just left middle school for summer...so what's your excuse?!) - really, I think we should pass a law that makes it acceptable to physically abuse someone when--and only when!--they are inside of a club bathroom. Instead of the random people who sit inside the bathroom handing you towels or candy or whatever else those bathroom attendants do, they should be paid to beat bitches up in the bathroom. I won't pay you for your snack-size Snickers, but I will pay you to beat up the bitch who will not stop taking photos of herself in front of the sink with frosted-pink lips kissing the air.....take it elsewhere, I need to sanitize my hands, thank you!

Again, I sort of apologize for being so rude, and I do enjoy the occasional club trip for the reasons aforementioned, so why not take a little dig at them, too, for comedic purposes? Also, I couldn't just post an outfit that was meant for the club without giving you my experience, as well, am I right? I may be a bitch in writing, but I would never be the bitch that you call, well, the bitch at a club. I'm just too nice to play that bitch, and as far as I'm concerned, there are plenty of them out there already for our entertainment.

As for me, I finished one job Friday to begin another one tomorrow. Resting up, as I'm still feeling the effects of our escapade last night...woof.

Until next time, farewell and salutations!

F*CKED Fashion...yep, I said it!

I have seen a couple posts as of late about pet peeves, whether it be in the beauty department or even just in general. I just did a big beauty post (look below) so I figured it might be fun to post some fashion pet peeves. Complaining about something so trivial and quite meaningless also helps me blow off steam from a stressful week. THANKFULLY, the kiddos have off tomorrow and I only have to work from 8am-1pm judging (yes, judging) senior projects...yep, the life of a teacher is tres glam, I know!

NOTE/WARNING: If you are easily offended, you probably don't want to read this. I'm nothing if not brutally abrasive, but I do it all in good fun. I have no specific human being(s) in mind when writing this and I'm not trying to offend anyone by explaining my pet peeves. Relax, life is meant to be enjoyed. Continue if you wish....

1. WEARING CLOTHES THAT DO NOT FIT YOU.

To all the bitches who think that they can squeeze into the clothes they wore before birth control or the freshman fifteen plagued them drive me insane. No, I'm not telling you to lose weight or even that you're overweight, but FIT is everything when it comes to looking presentable to the world. Try to remember this when you (or someone you know) is trying to wear the god-awful buttoned shirt that shows more lumps than Grandma's horrendous mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving. This photo should instantly make you feel uncomfortable; this side effect is normal and should pass once people learn how to dress PROPERLY.

2. SUBLIMINAL TOPS/DRESSES

Who EVER thought it would be a good idea to take an already heinous pattern and put white slahes through it? "OH, I know! We can just make it look cut into, it's genius." NO, it's actually idiotic on another level. I also want to know what is going on in the minds of the girls who tell their friends in the dressing room, "Yesssss, girlfrannn, this top/dress is going to bring allll the boys tonight on the dance floor....get it hunnay!" She's wearing a shirt that looks like someone accidently bleached an Ed Hardy pattern....the only thing she'll be bringing to the dance floor are the actual  Ed Hardy adorned men...and who wants a guy who wears bedazzled dragons all over his shirt with cursive writing that he can't even read because his big muscles stretch it out....on purpose. Just stop. There's no subliminal message for this look aside from "If you wear this, you're secretly showing everyone your IQ is lower than how much you paid for that outfit."

3. BANDED DRESSES
I saw this look so much in college I wanted to gauge my eyes out. Who wants to take a dress and make it flowy on the top and all of a sudden have it suck their thighs only highlighting the fact that you're already starting to have cellulite (hey, we're all human!) I'm not sure if it's worse on the girls who almost fall into fashion faux #1 or on the nearly anorexic gals who wear it without the banded part even hugging their invisble curves, so it just hangs awkwardly, only showing how much you desperately need to eat....an entire cow. This also makes you just look cheap. No designer with any sense of dignity is going to take an ill-fitting dress such as this and make it in mass quantites ("Keep 'em cominggggg - all colors and patterns!!") I actually just saw a girl wear this style of dress with the subliminal pattern all throughout. It's amazing I didn't vomit gin and tonic all over her. I almost wish I had. I'd be doing the bitch a favor! There are cute variations of this, but the banded dresses I have in mind are very much like the one in the photo where the band is thin and skinny, not wide like a full skirt.

4. FAKE DESIGNER BAGS
If you can't afford it, then just don't buy it. A classic, simple bag (even if it is made of fake leather) is better than rocking a goach (gucci and coach mashup) or any other fake bag. They come from places where children are slaving to make them. For what? So you can tell your friends you bought the cuuuutest...knockoff? Just listen to that last statement. Yeah, it sounds absurd. So are you for carrying that fake. Even if it looks real, what's the point? You're fabulous without needing a fake Coach bag to tells others that. Seriously, just stop! Most fake designer bags just look cheap as hell, and I'm looking out for you.....you don't want to look like a cheap hooker or 10 cent whore, do you? Good, put the bag down and back away from the fakeness. More often than not, too, I'm annoyed by the real bags that are covered in patterns. I'm not a patterned bag girl, end of story. The fake aspect of designer bags annoys me much more than the real bags with faaaaar too many patterns, though!

5. UGG BOOTS AND DENIM SKIRTS
Denim skirts usually signify the start of summer for a lot of girls, so why does a winter boot need to be added to spring/summer attire? Sure, a good cowboy boot or something of that nature is justfiiable, but fur-lined boots with a denim skirt? GAG. It looks very childish to me, but perhaps that's because I work in a high school setting where some (not all!) girls have yet to figure out their whole high school career has been a fashion disaster so they rock this look constantly. I cannot stand the sight of these two paired together....if it's hot, fur is not acceptable. If it's cold, why the hell are you wearing a denim skirt? Unacceptable, end of story!



I only have five to rant about. There is surely more that drive me bonkers, but I'll stop it at five. Speaking of five, I'm changing my "Five Friday Facts" to just "Five Friday" where I'll say, show, or explain five things....topic changing weekly. Seems a bit more interesting, a bit more exciting....a bit more...whatever. So I apologize in advance for having back-to-back posts that boast a whole lot of five!

What are YOUR pet peeves when it comes to fashion. Do you agree/disagree with any of mine? Let me know!