Thursday, June 9, 2011

No More Teacher, No More Books.....

Today marks the LAST full day of school for the kiddos (and teachers!) here. I could not be more excited, probably more so than my own kiddos, to get out and enjoy the summer heat. In honor of this wonderful event, I'm pushing the beauty blogger aside once again to bring out my teacher rants one last time before the summer hits! Enjoy :)

....and if you missed the last one I did, feel free to read it HERE!

Tip: Don't bother mentioning critical pop culture information as jokes because you'll look like a total loser. 
Exhibit A.
"You three look identical today - like rough Justin Beibers or another Hanson trio!"
"Uhh, Miss Smith, who is Hanson?!"
 "Oh, come on! The Hanson brothers? MMBop? No? Really? Nothing?"
 .....Not a single student in my class of 22 kiddos knew what the hell I was talking about. I actually got pretty pissed about this!

Exhibit B.
"I get that the bell is going to ring soon, but do you really have to crowd around and sit here looking like The Breakfast Club right in front of the door?"
"We're not eating breakfast?" (No really, one of my girls said this....)
"No, like the movie, The Breakfast Club, a classic 80s movie!"
"It's from the 80s?! Sounds stupid."
.....Again, another comment that pissed me off. Not to mention this particular student came to my class late because she was in the office getting in trouble for sending, well, "inappropriate" pictures of herself to boys. Ugh, maybe if she wasn't so pop-culture deprived, she wouldn't be such a little floozy! (Another word my kiddos probably don't know!)

Tip: Even though they may not know critical pop culture information, they know about current pop culture even when they definitely shouldn't!
"Miss Smith, you always have coffee, like every day!"
"I suppose you're else would I survive in this school?!" (So very true...)
"Yeah but you walk around looking like Nancy Botwin or something, like, constantly drinking from the straw of your iced coffee."
......YES, this just happened this morning and it definitely came out of a boy whose voice has yet to start cracking and who probably still can't control his hormones, so he has NO business watching Showtime! Dear lord, I was mortified. They can recognize a character from a show about pot but can't understand my Hanson joke?! Gahhhh.

Tip: When running a school newspaper, watch out for intermittent interjections in your articles before publishing.
"Miss Smith, my article has something in it that I definitely didn't write."
(Looking at article) "Well, apparently Britney has a nice behind to deserve that kind of award...."
....A student had taken it upon himself to write "Best Ass Artist" in place of "Best New Artist" in one of our articles about Britney Spears. Too bad the kiddos don't know I know exactly who posts what so the current kiddo in question is sitting in in-school suspension for the rest of the year for THIS offense aaaaand this one....

"Miss Smith, you need to come look at this NOW."
"What's up?" (Looks at article) "Hmmm, well, I personally wouldn't want to wear those shoes, would you? Go on and change it and be sure to look for any other inappropriate footwear in your article!"
....Same student placed the word "penis" in place of the word TOMS in our article about the footwear. Anywhere it said TOMS, a nice male member word was put in its place. Fancy yourself some penis shoes? Didn't think so....

And no, you can't possibly think a child would get away with this without some good old-fashioned humor, am I right?

Tip: Discipline them on a solo basis; then, they have no one to come to their aide and no audience to entertain with their terrible quips and attempts at jokes.
"I assume you know why I called you out here."
"No idea, really...."
"Let me ask you something, would you want to walk around wearing shoes that resembled a male body part that resides in boxers for most of its life? Because I know I wouldn't, and I know the girl who wrote about TOM shoes definitely wouldn' would YOU?"
"Uhhh, no, Miss Smith, I guess I wouldn't."
"Want to tell me what else you did to the paper or should I just find out for myself?" (Already knowing well enough what he did.)
"I didn't do anything else, I really didn't!"
"Feel free to tell the principal that, because I don't know if you'll be so readily able to lie to him as you just did to me. Enjoy the rest of the school year in's been a pure treat having you in class. Don't bother going back inside, just go straight upstairs to the office."
........BOOM! Justice was served and I finally had a clean newspaper to publish!

Again, I'm not a very conventional teacher but I have successfully made it through a year of being around children under the age of 17 more than I'm around actual adults. Even after all of the crazy times, wild rants, and rough days, I wouldn't change to any other job and be quite as content as I am in a school. It not only feels good to know I'm in the right place, but throwing a little humor and a lot of sarcasm into the mix is the icing on my English teacher cake. I hope you've enjoyed the teacher rants. Although there have been only two, I've included some of the best gems from this past year.

Back to beauty blogging soon enough! I know I'm under the rule of Project X Pan but seeing as how my e.l.f. eyeliner in the project is nearly dried up to a little puny bitch, I think it may be time for a NYX haul for some of their eyeliners and pencils ;) I'm a terrible PXP-er, I know.

Until next time, farewell lovahs....go out and enjoy that late spring weather for me while I'm pushing through these last 1.5 days!


  1. nice post! and nice blog too, just found it and now following =) visit mne if you want

  2. You sound like you're probably the 'cool teacher' in your school, so I'm sure the kids will miss you this summer.

    Fun post!

  3. awesome post!!!!
    honey congratulations!! =D

  4. aww cute post! you sound like an awesome teacher!!! :)

  5. OMG, this is so funny, my sister and mom are teachers so I've heard these kind of stories but your's are hilarious. The Nancy Botwin image with the iced coffee, lol. Why are kids watching Weeds? :) Hope you enjoy your summer break and maybe one kid will know the Hansen brothers next year.
    Thanks for your comment too and that story is awful.

  6. You have cool design!
    I like Olsen)
    I follow you)
    Follow me...please)


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