Thursday, May 5, 2011

Step Aside, Beauty Blogger

I have to digress for a moment from my typical "superficial" posts and write about something that I need to get off my chest.....
I think middle school students are mutants waiting to turn into humans once all their body parts grow in and their voices stop cracking. There is no way my students are human; I've pondered this with other teachers over after-school drinks (hey, don't judge, you'd do it too!) and it's just absolutely mind-blowing how ridiculous some students can be.

Shall we rehash my favorite conversations (and tips!) that show just how much I love hate my job?

Tip: Get down on their level, even if it means you have to "text" the painful truth.
"Miss Smith, you marked my answers wrong. They aren't wrong."
"You wrote 'idk' for all of the answers I marked incorrect."
"You're marking it wrong for me not knowing the answer?"
"If you asked me what I had for lunch and I didn't respond, would you know what my answer was?"
"No, but I told you I didn't know, I said 'idk' so there is an answer and it deserves credit!"
"Then I suppose the best response I have for you is 'LOL plus ZERO' for no answer. Go sit back down."
Let's just say he didn't find the zero "LOL" worthy, but I definitely did.

Tip: Know that despite their middle school status, they are SO much smarter than you because they know that Microsoft Word is always right.
"Miss Smith, you clearly use a semicolon here; did you not know that? It's fine, because I do know that. You told me to fix it, but I know I don't need to."
"Yes, yes you do need to fix it, there should not be a semicolon there. There only needs to be a comma, so go ahead and fix it before printing it back out."
"Miss Smith, I'm not fixing it, because I know it's right, Microsoft Word told me so."
"OH MY GOSH, everyone, listen! I don't need to be here because WORD can tell you what to do. Let's try one listen to me and everyone listen to what WORD tells them to fix and we'll see who still passes. Ready....GO!"
Let's just say....the fucker fixed his semicolon.

Tip: Directions are merely optional - you can easily get to where you're going without them.
"I already fixed this part, but what do I do after? Do I print out the photos, too?"
"What does it say?"
"What does what say?"
"The directions. You need to read the directions."
"Where are those?"
"They were at the top of the lesson you claimed to have just finished."
"That writing at the top? Ohhhhh, no I didn't think I needed to look at that."
"Hmm, well I suppose if you don't have to read directions, I can just not read your assignment and grade you however I please. Does that sound reasonable?"
I find myself repeating some variation of this conversation a solid twenty times a day - at least!

Did I mention all three of these conversations happened in one week's worth of teaching? Let's hear it for my job. I may not take the typical teacher approach (i.e. I'm as sarcastic as they come!) but when I'm surrounded by children all day, I find that it makes it much more enjoyable to throw in some verbal antics, even if I'm the only one who finds them "LOL" worthy. Do not get me wrong, either, I do love working and all of these little run-ins with stupidity (or sheer ignorance) all wash away at the end of the day, so do not think I have already turned into a bitter bitch of a teacher who already hates children and wants none of her own (i.e. my own kindergarten teacher, yikes, nightmare inducing!) I still enjoy where I'm at....even if it does drive me bat-shit crazy at times.

Sorry about the stray - back to beauty and the rest of the superficial-ness soon enough.


  1. Just thought I should tell you, you just made me smile! Such an honest post : )

  2. LOL love it =) I worked as a camp counsellor for a few summers and my favourite part was gossiping about the kids. Hilarious post!

  3. haha,actually love the sarcasm in your comebacks!x

  4. Haha wow, I don't know how you do it! I will definitely be sticking to teaching the little ones!


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