Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm a Prisoner of High School WAR!

....not really, but that's what it feels like! After all, when was the last time I blogged? I don't even remember. Gawwwd, that is a travesty worse than my kiddos failing their philosophy quiz today. HAPPY FRIDAY TO MEEEEE!

What's that, SS? You're discussing your job? That can only mean one thing.....

hell to the yes.
{no, I do not drink on my job, smoke the reefer, or teach middle school anymore....
but this photo is still kind of perfect.}

I should really preface, well, my entire life by saying I truly am a happy human being. I laugh at the absurdity this job sometimes always shows me, enjoy it to the fullest (most days), and do not walk around all schlumpty-dumpty because I have students who hate me (or other teachers, get over it, you're 40).
I, in fact, work my tush off and then go home to my other life. My life that keeps me sane. My life of napping, eating dinner with friends, drinking with the bf, and other wonderful weekend activities. Those don't (always) make for good stories, though!
Teacher rants, though? Ohhh ho-ho, hunny, they will forever be jems.....these ones happen to all be of the "let's awkwardly hit on the young teacher" variety. ENJOY!

Lesson 1: LISTEN carefully....
Me: Sometimes, this class would be a heck of a lot easier if you were all just as calm as me!
Male Student: Wait, wait, so you don't want me to do me, you want me to do you?
Me: For the 42 minutes you're in my class, yes, I think that's just enough time to learn how relaxing it is.
Male Student: Miss Smith, I'll wait.....{solid five second pause}
Me: Ugh, I hate my life. Well played, though. I hate you, but well played.
.......If you didn't get it right away, either, I don't feel as bad. If you go back and read my response, it fits almost too well. Face, meet my palm. Face, meet my hard desk....and meet is again and again.

Lesson 2: Smell the Sexy
Student: Miss Smith, do you ever have to use the girls' bathroom?
Me: I have before, yes, but do my best to avoid it.
Student: Do you ever smell the upsexy in there?!
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Student: The upsexy, in the girls' bathroom, have you smelled it before?
Me: Seriously, are you slurring your words? Did you take too much cold medicine again?
Student: The upsexy Miss Smith!
Me: What the heck is upsexy?!
Student: Not much, Miss Smith, and thank you for calling me sexy. That's going on Facebook.
......I would have thought he was so damn clever if it was not for the fact I saw this on other blogs just a week after it happened. I tried it on SSB afterwards....didn't work very well. Damnit.

Lesson 3: Cue the Lonely Island Song.....
(Student walking into my class listening to his iPod, song "On Fire")
Student #1: Miss Smith, we're both on fire, what with our red hair.
Me: Yeah, if only mine were real, but it's not.
Student #2: Wait, that isn't your natural hair color?
Me: No, I'm a natural blonde actually, going back to it in March.
Student #2: I think I just, uh, in my pants, I can't wait for March.
Student #1: Well, I guess we'll both still be on fire then, right Miss Smith? Get it? Get it?
........I think SSB may need to come into my classroom(s) with a baseball bat on the last day to beat some sense and respect into these kiddos!

If you're wondering what satisfaction I get out of my job, sometimes I ask myself that question. Really, though, even if I am driven to drink after each day I leave the building, I still love what I do. Even when the kiddos fail their quizzes because they didn't study or a kid comes into my class 5 minutes late because he was "dropping off his kids at the pool," I still love my job. All you can do is smile, laugh, and play harder than you work. I do just that.

I'll leave you with the best comment I heard being yelled down the hallway just before my favorite eighth period today (which is where all of the above stories come from!)...."WELL, HAVE FUN SEXING UP SKANY [insert girl name here] TONIGHT, BECAUSE YOU SURE AS HELL AREN'T GETTING ME!"
.......and the bulk of this school is filled with rich, white kids. Yeah. I felt like I was in a 2011 mashup of Clueless and Mean Girls.....& I loved it.

Glad I could come back from my hectic job to blog hectic job. More rants coming soon, I'm sure, but hopefully they are entirely unrelated to barely legal kiddos faililng miserably in the pick-up lines department.

Until next time, farewell friends and lovahs.........


  1. oooh is this the new job you were talking about? I'm soooo excited you're back writing!

  2. So glad I'm not the only one that's gotten the upsexy remark. Guess it's their 'updog' that I used to do when I was a teen.
    Goodness, goodness.
    You could not pay me to teach children, SS.

  3. Haha, I love teacher rants! Sometimes I wish I were a teacher instead of a lawyer, but then I remember that I'm not so great with kids... of any age. Not sure how I would have handled all these "clever" students!


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