Sunday, June 19, 2011

Beatuy Bitch is BACK!

Hello all you lovely people out there! I'm back to write after a week away - did you miss me? Don't answer that question. Didn't even notice I was MIA? You're the rude one, then, not me! Keep that in mind, too, when reading the post that's about to unfold ;)

I have been away due to my new job kicking my behind! I left being a teacher to start being a nanny for the summer months and WOW....I am rethinking this whole "only want boys" thing. Being a nanny, simply put, is this: having all the responsibilities of a mom without any of the authority. Therefore, it's nine hours of battling, feeding, cleaning, and needless to say I had little to no energy left to blog about beauty when I felt sticky from a full day of boys and toys and bugs. YUCK!

So, let's shift gears and write about something entirely unrelated to my summer job. Due to aforementioned events, I have not had time for hauls, reviews, or anything super-beauty-fun-like, but I still have something up my sleeve. In honor of my weekend away (totally needed after a first week of nannying!) I realized how many pet peeves I truly do have....when it comes to how other people look...from the neck up. I have already done fashion pet peeves (click here) so why not try my hand at informing you all of my beauty pet peeves...prepare to cringe, vomit, or even faint over the following...I would if I wasn't too busy smack-talking the gals who commit such heinous beauty crimes!

1. TOO Much Makeup - An obvious one, but let's break it down even farther.  I don't mind if I can tell that you are wearing a full face, as long as it doesn't look harsh. Too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing. What makes this even worse? When your skin is in bad shape....I admit, I sympathize and have tried masking a blemish or two in my past, but a full face of skin issues should not be masked by a full face of foundations, concealers, and caked-on powder. I wish I could have told our server that yesterday because my boyfriend and his friends just made it awkward when they all concurrently wanted to know, "What's wrong with her face? It looks like brown paint exploded on her." Boys are brutal, but alas, they were right on target with their question, albeit quite harsh. It's TRUE, though, too much makeup is just TOO much. Obviously my photo is a dramatization of what I'm talking about, but really, it isn't that far off from some of the people I've come across as of late!

2. THICK Eyeliner - I love myself a cat eye (although I've never tried this look on myself), but when a gal has just a HUGE, messy line of liner...I instantly think less of her. Unless she is on her way to a themed party where you are encouraged to look like a hooker, put the eyeliner pen/gel/pencil down and step away! I saw this all the time happen at school when the faculty bathroom was taken and had to resort to using the girl's bathroom next door (hated that!) - girls would be shoved in front of the mirror piling on super black inky eyeliner....and they looks like ten cent, they looked worse than the hookers. Makes me want to cry...but then again, I'd be afraid my tears would turn black. Oh wait, I don't even have mascara on today (nanny fail). Taylor Moms, you need to go back to being little nice Jenny Humphrey and hang up your hooker look in the back of your closet!

3. Frosted Pink Lips - let's just be my opinion, lips can be just about any color in the book aside from being frosted. Really, this look is only worn by the skanks who go out to bars just to take photos of themselves looking like a duck. It is a look mastered by the fashion trainwrecks of the world; it is only made worse when it's put against orange skin and looks nearly white instead of a cute pink - such a fine line you're walking there, my dear! Gahhh, I should have put this first, because it truly makes me want to cringe and makes my eye twitch at the thought of such a heinous look. Really, whoever decided this look was in should be taken behind a Sephora alley and beaten to death with a hair dryer. Was that too harsh? NO, because I loathe this look that much! The truth do hair dryers.

4. Skunk Hair - Ok, I know your hair isn't "technically" beauty but it "sorta" is. I'm done using the quotes now. Really, though, skunks are not cute. Ok, they are...but only when they're being sold for $40 at a farmer's market after being de-scented (I've heard stories about this and am strongly considering looking into a skunk pet - but the fear of it not being fully de-scented scares me too much. Random rant over....) I also want to meet the person who decided that this two-tone style should be a hit....because they deserve to be hit....and to have their eyes burned with the peroxide that's dying the top (or bottom) part of this trend! I am all for coloring your hair; add low lights, put in some highlights, but when you deliberately make your hair two very different colors, I have no sympathy for you. Even Pepe Le Pew would look the other way....and that's saying something, because that skunk chases pussy all the time. CATS, people, I'm talking cats....relax. If you somehow tragically fell into this trend, run (don't walk) to a bathroom and dye your hair immediately!

5. Painted Eyebrows - As a girl who was plagued with stick-straight hair but curly-coarse eyebrows, I know the woes of the brows better than anyone....after all, when it's been too long between waxes, my boyfriend lovingly calls them "caterpillars"....what a bitch! Either way, I'll take my bush-man eyebrows any day over seeing another pair of drawn-on eyebrows. I have horrendous eyesight but I can still clearly tell your eyebrows ARE NOT REAL! I am very sorry if you can't grow thick eyebrows, but embrace what you do have, don't cover it up and paint over it. It makes me instantly think you just left your drag gig and somehow forgot to wash off your stage makeup first. Do you want me thinking your a drag queen? No? I didn't think so. Go get some real brows.

I don't think I was as mean as I am normally, so perhaps that's a good thing? I truly do apologize if any of my beauty pet peeves offended you, but listen, it's all in good fun. I'm entitled to my own opinions, right?

Do you agree, disagree, hate me for what I said or glad I said it for you? Let me know! I promise I'll stop letting my nanny gig suck the life out of me and I'll blog more often. Once July 15 hits, I go down to work 3-day weeks instead, so only a bit more time before I can blog much, much more. Yay? Nay? Anything you'd like me to write about? Fill me in!

I've missed you all! Until next time, farewell my lovahs.


  1. Haha I love this post, and I couldn't agree with you more about every single makeup peeve!!

  2. I just saw this post - and I was about to tweet you being like, where are you???? I'm hoping nannying will bring on some highly amusing posts =)

  3. haha LOVED this! Glad you're back :)

  4. Bahahah so true so true! love it!!

  5. Glad you're back! Totally agree, especially about the skunk hair and bad eyebrows!


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