Thursday, November 3, 2011

SS Insight....& Insults....

As an avid celebrity whore who knows about the happenings of celebrities before most of the people in my circle ("Hello, I heard about that a solid three hours ago!"), I often times have had enough time to dwell on such celeb happenings and form an opinion about them before others even have the chance to peruse TMZ for the story.

It's a gift.
Not a gift that will save the world or rid people of disease, but in the very least give me a solid chance at winning a Trivial Pursuit game that is solely based on celebrities and/or facts that will never justify my college degree.
My thoughts this week? Well, in a nutshell:
--I think the person who is hurting the most in the Ksquared wedding is none other than Jessica Simpson.
--LaLohan in jail? Wait, I feel as though this has happened before..........and we got the mugshots to prove it!
--Indie lovers are crying over a wedding that has nothing to do with fat asses or Frankenstein look-a-likes.
--People.com thinks you're still obsessed with Will & Kate...which is great....because I totes am.


{I'm sorry....their offspring would never measure up to the cuteness that is Mason Dash....}
1. FAIRYTALE DIVORCE
I mean, let's be real, that wedding was never going to make it. I actually had full faith in Khole's wedding back when she decided to marry after a solid 5 minutes....and to this day I don't even know why I did, but hey, they are the ones still married!
What really hurt K&K is the fact that there was virtually no love shown on their two-day reality extravaganza.....unless you count Mason, because I love that little man...can we clone him?!  They fought over dogs, food, living situations...nothing was spared! She didn't even want to cry in front of him?! SSB has seen me cry multiple times (all his fault of course.....) -- these two were doomed. I'd like to say to K.Kardash, "If you're having hubby problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems but Kris ain't one."
Really, though, Jessica Simpson got f*cked in this situation. The whole month of "IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?!" (when she cah-learrrly was!) got trumped by this divorce everyone saw coming. Her whole cutesy Halloween costume as a "mummy" was a mere blimp in the celeb radar that day because of Kardashian and her extremely odd choice in a husband. So yes, J.Simp is in fact pregnant, but you may or may not know that because you were too busy reading how "hurt" the family is over this divorce.....the same family who loathed this Frankenstein freak for two days on national television.


{You left the house feeling pretty LaLohan? Really? Really?!}
2. DEJA VU JAIL TIME
Seriously, lock her up and melt the key so no one can duplicate it. LEAVE HER IN THERE. F*ck good behavior, overcrowding, or any other crap they may throw her way to get her out sooner.....keep her ass under lock and no key!
I get it, she didn't really do anything, it's not like she murdered her parents (though she should consider this) or was busted for drugs (though it's clear she is never sober), but she is just cray-cray enough to keep out of the public eye.....forever. Also, her choice of contour and blush during her last court hearing is plenty reason to keep her away from the limelight....I'm still gagging over her poorly made face. GAGGING.
Is there anyway someone can just accidentally shove her into one of those areas in the morgue so we can call it a day? I feel like half of the workers at that morgue (where she is doing her community service, hysterical) have been dyyyying (pun entirely intended!) to get her gone fo' good, son! I don't blame them....can you?!


{Death Cab for Divorce....bad joke, I know}
3. A REAL EMO REASON TO CRY
If you don't love The New Girl or listen to Death Cab for Cutie, just move past this. However, you should know there was another divorce this week that actually did surprise me....the ever-so adorable Zooey Dechanel and DCFC front man Ben Gibbard separated after three years of marriage. I'm no good at math but that's liiiiike......3 years longer than Kim K's....just saying.
You may or may not have heard about this story by the overwhelming sigh of relief and rejoice that came from just about every blue-blooded male on the planet....& me.....because she could do wayyyy better than a dude who sings really sad songs that make me feel like I should have a whole lot of self-pity for no gosh damn reason.


{Gawghus.....Will, you ain't so bad, I 'spose}
4. LONG LIVE THE UNBORN QUEEN
I don't think I ever go a day without seeing a photo of either Kate, Will, Harry, or Pippa on People.com.....a site I visit a solid 3 6 10 times a day. I mean, they have a section completely devoted to the "Royals" which is just bloody brilliant!
I think Pippa is ridiculously gorgeous, I'm waiting for Harry to just get with her already, and if there's a photo of Will, it better have Kate...or I'm just bored.
It's been a year since their engagement (just reached creeper status right there) and I still stinking love Kate. I think it's fantastic they recently made the change to let the future Kate look-a-like daughter to be queen if that day were to come...instead of her potential brother to pass her up for the throne. I think it speaks multitudes for what our future holds and gives me hope I can push my future son off with this royal offspring....you know, a girl can dream!


There you have it, my opinion on the latest celeb juice. You may not be a fan of such news but I am a solid believer in E! being enough news for my knowledge.
Real news is just far too depressing and if I have to hear and/or see another photo of #OccupyWallStreet....I will punch someone.
I will forever be the girl who only reads the "Entertainment" and "Living and Eatocracy" sections on CNN's online site. & no, I am not ashamed to admit this!

Before I leave, please do yourself a favor and type "do a barrel roll" into your google search bar.....and be prepared to feel like you do after 5 too many martinis. You're welcome.

Until next time, where I come back to actually be a sort of beauty blogger, have a splendid and celeb-free day........

9 comments:

  1. kim is a joke...did not everyone (probably them, too) not see that coming? zooey's divorce does make me sad though :( and yay for jessica! it's about time she has a little baby :)

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  2. this is hilarious. i agree with 100% of your views. however, i did not know about zooey. which is a shock. i hope that doesn't affect her funniness on the new girl. because it is one of my faves!

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  3. The way you write is FANTASTIC! If I have to hear one more story about Kim and Kris (don't you think it's weird his name is also spelled with a "K"? Makes me think it could have been set up.) I am going to punch someone. Linday, crazy bitch. Nuff said. So sad to hear about Zooey. I love her and her new show! Love Kate! And Will is okay too. :) Awesome post! Hope to see more celeb rants and updates!

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  4. lol I love this post! I am also obsessed with celeb gossip! I will randomly mention something i have read about celebrities to my friends and family and they are always like "Why do you know that??"
    and I am like "Why DONT you know that?!?!"

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  5. Hahah very funny post - I love celebrity gossip as well and always know way more than my friends :) And yes, it does help me win board games! Haha :)

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  6. I am SO BEHIND on my celeb updates! And I agree that there is nothing more annoying than this Occupy Wall Street thing. Except Kim Kardashian =P

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  7. i;m so sad about kimmy divorced :(:i am a new fashion blogger from indonesia living in singapore :) i really like your blog. i will really reaaally appreciate & it will be an honor to have u as my blog member. 



    and of course i will folback!!! :D also, u can mention me anytime on twitter @tiodang if you want me to check out your latest post & leave a comment ^^ 
i've just recommend your post to google!u can check it! that's what u got if you keep in touch with my blog too!! hope u will do the same ^^

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  8. 1. I totally agree re: Kardashians. Khloe/Lamar always seemed right to me, as crazy as their whirlwind romance was. Kim/Kris, on the other hand, looked like a disaster from minute one. I'm sorry, but he just seemed like a douche and I didn't like him at all. Bring Reggie back!
    2. Girlfriend looks ROUGH. She needs to get clean, stay clean, and then have a good makeover.
    3. Meh. I'm not as crazy about Zooey as everyone else is, so I don't really care.

    the barrel roll didn't work for me... sad :(

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