Friday, July 1, 2011

Award & Rant

I leave later today, technically tomorrow, for a trip down to the dirtay South (relax, I don't actually think it's dirty, just trying to be a rapper) so I have nothing very fun to post considering I've been running around like crazy because I'm a huge procrastinator. WOAH. Speaking of, Procrastinating Pretty awarded me the Liebster Blog Award and I thank her oh-so much. If you have yet to click on the link to her blog that I put so nicely for you where her name is, you need to do so now before reading the rest of this post. Her blog is fan-freaking-tastic and somehow I always agree with her choices....which is rare for me because I tend to be sporadic with how I feel at any given moment, but her blog/posts never disappoint, check her out NOW! She even does videos with her friend who she puts all these wonderful makeup looks on....don't we all need a friend who can make us look all fun and funky and pretty? I think so!

Did you go over to her blog? Really, did you? Don't lie to me, bitch! Ok, let's move on....

Considering I:

A)have already mentioned I have been a busy bee (keep up, will you?)  aaaand
B)will not be home until the 6th

....I'm leaving you with a rant.....of the nanny variety. If you do not currently take birth control, this story and rant is truly all you need to refrain from all activity that may get you knocked up. You may just run from your boyfriend at the mere feeling of his hand brushing yours. Have him call me (or not, that'd be creepy), so just show him this post....then you both can lie in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, awkwardly not touching just to ensure this never happens to YOU! You're welcome, really, no need to thank me.

 I have worked for two and a half weeks as a nanny and although I have done this job before in past summers (what else does a teacher do in the summer but torture herself further?!), this summer...hahahahahahaha....OH, this summer has been the summer from HELL....and I should note it is not due to the weather, no no, not one bit. It's due to a 5-year-old and and 8-year-old that have been made by the hands of the big man to bring the pain onto me....a 23-year-old. Now, I'm not a Math whiz, but I know that I'm still double their ages - almost combined! - so why should I even let these little tyrant maggots affect me? Because I am with them for a minimum of 9 hours a day, five days a week....I see THEM more than I see my own self in the mirror. You know your job is rough when you use the bathroom and toilet seat as a release....and stop, you're gross, I didn't mean releasing of bodily functions.

Birth Control Event #1 - Stairs & Claws
The 5-year-old never wants to nap, which blows my mind. Who wouldn't want to be forced to sleep for an hour (or two or five) during the day only to wake up to a nice snack before returning outside for playtime? Sign me up! This little bugger wasn't feeling it, so when I asked him nicely to go upstairs (we're currently standing at the top of the basement stairs), he screams and yells (typical) and out of nowhere takes both of his tiny little mitts and pushes me down the stairs. Yes. I know what you must be thinking. "But....he's only five? He can't be that strong!" Forgive me, but I don't come prepared with cat-like reflexes to defend a blow that I had NO idea was coming. So I topple, catch myself, and somehow still had enough restraint to not shake him like a Polaroid picture! THEN, I held my arm out so he couldn't run back down the stairs and he claws at me like a fucking cat! I mean, the kiddo broke skin and drew blood, for goodness sake! My hand looks like I accidentally put it in the feeding cage at the zoo. Ok, fiiiine, I'm exaggerating, but he might as well be a caged animal at the zoo, honestly! He was in his room for the rest of the day until mom got home to deal with the mess. I ran....and ran fast, scared for the next day!

Birth Control Event #2 - Pool Noodles = NOT Weapons
Both of the little terrors were being exactly that when I was bringing them home from taking their dog to the kennel. Between finding my way back to the house and blowing fur out of my mouth from the dog shedding ALL -seriously....ALL!- over my car, I hear the kids trying to unbuckle each other and proceed to kick and yell and play with the windows. I had enough, it was time for "time-out"....but they weren't so keen to that, of course. After refusing to argue (I'm not exerting that much energy) and ignoring their fake tears (you're a boy, grow a pair), the littlest one took a pool noodle and slammed me across the face with it. Now, I know what you're thinking again. "How did you NOT see that coming?" Well, I was too busy telling the older one he would be in his room the rest of the day if he didn't go upstairs when WHAM, pool noodle to the profile.....for real? Again, it took everything in me not to grab the other one and beat him to a sad, little pulp with the same Styrofoam toy he hit me with, but shit, that wouldn't get me anywhere except jail and a loss of my teaching certification! Finally, they yelled and screamed up to their rooms, ensuring I knew how awful and terrible of a human being I was (even tearing apart the "sorry" cards they had made me from the stairs fiasco days before and throwing the pieces everywhere). The youngest one was even sure to repeatedly yell, "Get gone forever!" while going up to his room which I promptly responded with, "Say that statement correctly and I'll gladly consider it!"

Birth Control Event #3 - Bike Helmets are BRUTAL
It should be noted, too, that once they got out of the car after the aforementioned experience, before the whole pool noodle incident, they immediately got on their bikes knowing very well they were to be reporting upstairs to their rooms. I told them to get off the bikes or they were up to their rooms for longer than the original punishment. They said they wouldn't listen, that they didn't do anything wrong, that they were going to ride their bikes even if it meant running me over (please do! I should have said), so I blocked their way (more or less) and the older one took his helmet and slammed it at my car (if he would have dented it, my Dad sure as hell would have made child soup for dinner) and the younger one put up a bigger fight....he kicked his helmet all around until BOOM, he took the helmet by the chin strap and slammed me in the shins. Again, I get it, but I was too busy avoiding his eye contact because he's quicker to do something if you aren't looking (as if he's perpetually peeing and you mustn't dare look!) so I was not paying attention to the little horror when he quickly slammed my shins. DAMNIT, those little plastic protectors hurt like hell! Now I'll have bruising all weekend while wearing my bathing suit on vacation....gahhh!

I will end the rant here before you officially void children out of your life forever. She (the mother, who is an absolute saint of a woman) actually sent me home early this past Wednesday due to how bad their behavior was and I still got paid for the hours I didn't have to finish....cha-ching! They are now on vacation and I have off until the ninth. Works out, because my first vacation of the summer is from July 1-6, so I even get another vacation (stay-cation) once we get back for a couple of days before returning to the dark depths of hell. I don't start the 3-day weeks until July 18th, but you bet your bottom dollar I am counting down until I can go without seeing them for consecutive days. My sanity is drained each and every day and is only restored by alcohol or sleep....or both.

I'm convinced this is all my karma building up and I'll get something awesome in return for salvaging my own life away for these tyrant bitches. If you got a good laugh out of this, I'm glad. If not, perhaps you're crying inside like I am every day....whichever.

Enjoy your holiday weekend and if you're not celebrating it, be sure not to wear red, white, or blue....because people will question you. Either way, just live your life and breathe easy...I know that's what I'll be doing!

Until next time, I'll miss you all dearly...farewell my love bugs!


  1. girl, you must have a LOT of patience!!

  2. WOW I agree you must have a crap ton of patience...I would have quit!

  3. OMG children are terrifying - YOU are an absolute saint! and thanks for the linkback =) very kind of you!

  4. I don't know where you store your patience because I would have been long gone, and or done something I'd regret... my patience tends to run a little low hehe

  5. You have a lot of patience! This is a brilliantly writen post, I really enjoyed reading it.

    You have a brilliant blog, so I am definitly going to come back and read more of your posts.

    I wish you lots of luck with your blog, although I am sure you do not need it!
    All the best;

  6. nice blog & post!
    you can find me at if you want! :)

    and now on FACEBOOK!

  7. Damn girl i seriously give you props! And ohh my lordy you are too funny haha :)


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